“The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of deep darkness a light has dawned.”  Isaiah 9:2

It’s dark outside, and today seems even darker than usual. And it should. Today is the Winter Solstice, the darkest day of the year.

We may be prone to greet the day like Simon and Garfunkel singing, “Hello, darkness, my old friend. I’ve come to talk with you again.”

For those of us who live in the northern hemisphere, the Winter Solstice, usually occurs on December 21.  The solstice, which literally means “sun stood still,” officially marks the beginning of winter. The Earth’s axial tilt is at its furthest point from the sun, allowing the least amount of daylight to reach the earth.

While it may be merely coincidental that the darkest day arrives just prior to our customary celebration of Christmas, from my experience as a pastor, I am aware that holidays can be dark days emotionally for many of us.  If we have lost a family member or friend this year, our grief may peak during the holidays. If we have had a tumultuous year, a sense of melancholy or depression may hang over our life like a dark cloud. If we tend toward being anxious, the uncertainties of life may trigger feelings of panic or rob us of our motivation. There are many reasons the darkness may deepen.

Remember the ancient epic poem about Job, the good man who lost everything. As Job grappled with his grief, he initially blamed God. In The Message, Job 23:16-17 translates the lament of Job like this: God makes my heart sink! God Almighty gives me the shudders! I’m completely in the dark, I can’t see my hand in front of my face.

Darkness and grief come in many shapes and sizes. As we deal with our own grief it is important to remember that the Bible never tells us not to grieve, but it does counsel us not to grieve “as those who have no hope” (I Thessalonians 4:13).

Our faith does not exempt us from the darkness, but our faith does help us to process our grief with hope and courage. Grief does not have the final word. In those seasons when the darkness deepens, help us catch the glimmer of the Light of Christmas.

Prayer:  Dear Lord, thank you for being our comforter and friend.  May the Light of Christmas help us navigate our darkest moments.  Amen.

(Barry Howard serves as the pastor at the Church at Wieuca in North Atlanta. He also serves as a columnist and leadership coach for the Center for Healthy Churches.)

Grief is tough to deal with any time of the year, but it is especially challenging during the holidays. Why does grief seem to turn up the volume during the holiday season?

I think there are at least three reasons that grief is more pronounced from Thanksgiving through Christmas. First, the nostalgia surrounding the holidays and other special occasions prompts us to recall memories more readily. Second, these events tend to frame the absence of our loved ones. For example, a chair that was occupied at the family table may be vacant this year. And third, we tend to be more emotive during the holidays. Our sensory capacity is thrust into high gear.

Since grief is more profound during the holiday season, how do we deal with it? One approach is to repress the grief under the guise of being strong. However, repressed grief becomes toxic and can lead to depression or illness. It’s better to confront grief head on. Here are ten helpful ways to navigate grief during the holidays:

• Proactively prepare for holiday grief. Don’t avoid it or deny it. Engage it. The best therapy for grief is to grieve.
• Do a soft re-set on your holiday traditions. Determine which traditions to keep and which to eliminate. And start at least one new tradition. Since grief has a way of reconfiguring life, relationships, and family, embrace the new configuration by beginning at least one new tradition.
• Highlight a favorite event or experience of your loved one. Choose something that was a favorite food, game, song, or activity of your departed loved one, and find a way to highlight it during the holidays. For example, if they loved driving around to see Christmas lights, do it this year in memory of them. If they loved coconut cake, make one and have everyone try a bite.
• Be creative in “work arounds.” Let’s say that Grandpa always read the Christmas story after dinner from his recliner. It may be too emotional for the family to have someone else read the Christmas story from Grandpa’s recliner. Consider having one or more of the grandchildren read the Christmas story before dinner around the dinner table.
• Plan a strategic holiday memorial gift. If Grandma was in a mission group and supported the Christmas Mission Offering, plan for the family to each give a gift to the mission offering in her memory. If Grandpa served on the Properties Committee at church, consider a gift toward campus improvement in his memory. Plan the gift to correspond to one of the passions of your departed loved one.
• Tell lots of stories. For years I’ve encouraged families to continue to treasure the memories and tell the stories. Stories are therapeutic, for sure. But they are also formational and nurturing. One reason genealogies are included in the Bible is because stories of our ancestors help shape our identities.
• Continue the conversation. Most of us tend to continue an internal dialogue with our departed loved ones after they are gone. Sometimes it involves a gut-wrenching confession such as, “Daddy, there are so many things I wish I had told you.” Much of the time it is something as simple as, “I sure do miss you.” And of course, such a dialogue may include good humor such as, “The lights at the top of the tree have gone out again, and I suspect you may have had something to do with that.” It is important during the holidays to keep the conversation going, and maybe even rev it up a bit.
• Designate moments for quiet and solitude. Be careful not to withdraw into a cocoon of isolation. But likewise, be careful not to bury your grief in a flurry of holiday events and activities.
• Participate in holiday services at your church. Not everyone is ready to return to active participation in worship or a small group for the first week or two after a memorial service.Of course, things will be different when you return. But the longer you wait to re-engage, the tougher it will be to adjust to a new normal. Somehow, the music and message of Advent and Christmas invoke hope and courage. So, the holidays may be the best time to return to active participation.
• Write a letter to your departed loved one. In the letter tell them what you are feeling during the holidays. Then read the letter aloud as though the departed friend or family member is in the room with you. We think and we speak with different sides of the brain. To reflect, write, and then speak what you have written is healthier and more holistic than simply writing it down. It’s your choice whether to keep the letter confidential or to share it with other family members.

Healthy expressions of grief include finding the right balance of tears and laughter, of connecting and disconnecting, and of lamentation and celebration.

And remember, not every member of the family grieves in the same way or at the same pace. Allow space for family members to grieve in their own way.

There’s no doubt the weight of grief can be heavier during the holidays. But the holidays also present great opportunities for finding positive and proactive ways to deal with our grief.

(Barry Howard serves as pastor of the Church at Wieuca in North Atlanta. Previously, he served as a pastoral counselor in Pensacola, Florida.)