A few days ago, as I was rerouted to rural backroads to avoid an accident on the interstate, I took advantage of the opportunity to look for locally owned restaurants and to observe church signs, a habit which is both frustrating and informative.

I noticed what appeared to be a new digital church sign framed in red brick highlighting a message that read, “Join us this Sunday for Old Time Worship and Revivalistic Preaching.” The name on the flashing high tech sign was Heritage Baptist Church.

I couldn’t help but grimace when I noticed another church next door with a traditional painted sign which identified the neighbor as New Vision Baptist Church.

Admittedly, I don’t know the history of the two churches. But my mind immediately went to a scenario I’ve seen unfold far too often. A church divides between those who hold fast to the ways things have always been and those who want to explore new methodologies. One group stays and the other group leaves.

Interestingly, in this case, if the two are connected, it seems that New Vision remained at the older campus and Heritage appeared to have built a new facility. Through the years I have spotted New Covenant Church just down the road from Covenant Church. I have seen Sovereign Grace Church a short distance from Grace Baptist Church. And I snapped a photo of Upper Spring Creek Church just upstream from Spring Creek Church

As I continued driving on this alternate route, I recalled a painting I saw years ago in restaurant in north Alabama that depicted a beautiful rural scene accented by two churches. New Hope #1 was on the left and New Hope #2 was on the right. A creek ran behind both churches implying converts from both churches were baptized in those common waters. And between the two churches was New Hope Cemetery, where members of both churches were buried.

In many cases, when New Hope splits into two churches, they offer no hope to their community for the long-term. They may survive, but they seldom thrive.

Throughout my years as a pastor, I have tried to nurture a church culture where heritage and new vision collaborate and cooperate in the same fellowship. When heritage and vision separate, both are left lacking.

Historian Daniel J. Boorstin contends, “Planning for the future without a sense of history is like planting cut flowers.”

What causes heritage and vision to separate? Usually, it is not one thing but a progression of influences and actions that converge to cause such a division. Here are seven factors that I have observed contributing to division in a church:

• Decisions are made based on personal preference rather than spiritual discernment.
  
  
• Conflict arises when members talk about one another rather than with one another.
  
  
• Goals and measurements are based on a dated denominational scorecard rather than missional metrics.

• A church views other churches in their community as their competitors rather than as their colleagues.

• A church adopts a reactionary scheme to reach the missing generation rather than a proactive strategy for multigenerational ministry.

• A church fails to see its heritage and vision as partners, causing the two to become unwitting adversaries.

• A church stubbornly determines that they can deal with their division and conflict without assistance from an experienced and objective consultant and coach.

In a healthy church, heritage and new vision engage in an ongoing dialogue. Otherwise conflict is likely to arise. Churches can recover from fractures and deep divisions. It just takes longer and is more painful and more costly than prevention or intervention.

Community-building is hard work. Consensus-building is hard work. Conflict management is hard work. But they are all types of kingdom work.

My scenic drive became a parabolic adventure.

Interestingly, as I neared the end of my backroads detour and was within a short distance of returning to the interstate, there was another church sign for Happy Valley Baptist Church at one of the final intersections.

I don’t know anything about the history or culture of that church, or whether they live up to their name. But I did note they were still one church.

(Barry Howard serves as the pastor at the Church at Wieuca in North Atlanta. He also serves as a leadership coach and columnist with the Center for Healthy Churches. He and his wife, Amanda, currently reside in Brookhaven, Georgia.)

Grief feels like different things to different people. For example, in A Grief Observed, C.S. Lewis confessed, “No one told me that grief feels so much like fear.”

I have walked alongside individuals and families who are dealing with grief for over 40 years. Here are 10 observations I have made about the traits of grief, the grieving process and grieving persons:

1. Grief is the emotion associated with loss.

Grief may occur over the loss of a friend, a relationship, our resources or our faculties. In my experience, the seven primary catalysts for grief are death, disease, diminishment, dementia, divorce, destruction and distance.

2. Grieving is the act of expressing and processing the emotion of grief.

You just can’t be passive about grief. A grievous loss may do more to disrupt and reconfigure life than any other experience. Grief forces us to rethink, reevaluate, revise, reallocate and reconfigure life. At times, grief even prompts us to relocate.

3. Not all grief is created equal.

Simple grief is what we expect because of the ordinary stages of life, such as the passing of an aging grandparent.

Compounded grief is the experience of two or more experiences of grief in a short period of time.

Traumatic grief refers to the unexpected grief we experience when confronted with a tragic loss such as an accident, flood or storm.

Complex or complicated grief references the type of grief we experience when there is an unresolved mystery associated with the loss, such a person who is lost at sea and assumed deceased, but we are not certain.

Communal or corporate grief is the sort of grief that affects a larger group of people who sense tremendous loss even though they may not be personally acquainted with the victim or victims. The assassination of JFK or the losses of 9/11 would fall into this category.

4. Faith does not exempt us from grief, but it does equip us to deal with grief with hope and perseverance.

Grief is extremely tough, even for those who have a strong faith. While grief can strengthen our faith, on other occasions grief may call faith into question or challenge one’s presuppositions about the faith.

A person of faith should be careful not to mask their grief with “rejoicing.” The hope of eternity is strengthening but it does not cancel the pain of grief.

5. Grief is not a momentary event but an ongoing experience.

Grief has no expiration date. For most people, grief ebbs and flows but never goes completely away.

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross cautioned, “The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again, but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.” 

6. The stages of grief do not occur in a predictable order, and not every stage is experienced by everyone.

Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance may be experienced sequentially, selectively, simultaneously, or rotationally with different stages surging at different times.

7. Not everyone in the family grieves the same way or at the same pace.

Different personalities grieve differently. Some people grieve while anticipating the loss. Others grieve more when the loss is actualized. Some grieve privately, while others grieve publicly.

Therefore, it is usually not helpful to compare another’s grief to our own. Neither is it helpful to critique the way a friend grieves.

8. Unprocessed grief can become toxic, endangering our physical and mental health.

Grief, especially traumatic grief, usually takes a heavy toll on the body and the spirit. If we deny or defer our grief, then the noxious effects can be debilitating to our heart, mind and soul.

9. Grieving persons need friends who are supportive and respectful.

Those who are grieving benefit from a small support group who gives them the place and space to grieve. Religious slogans, feeble explanations, and awkward questions are usually more hurtful than helpful.

10. Grief is best processed slowly over time.

Healthy expressions of grief include tears, stories, laughter, prayer, gratitude, lamentation and celebration.

Grieving, mourning and lamenting are deeply spiritual disciplines. Maybe that’s the reason numerous psalms and the book of Lamentations are devoted to grief and lament.

The Bible never suggests that we should not grieve. It does, however, encourage us “not to grieve as those who have no hope” (1 Thessalonians 4:13).

Grief is a normal part of life. Everyone will grieve at some point. Grief is seldom a momentary event. Rather, it is almost always an ongoing experience.

As C.S. Lewis processed his own grief following the death of his wife, he observed, “Grief is like a long valley, a winding valley where any bend may reveal a totally new landscape.”

Be sure not to travel this valley alone!

(Barry Howard serves as the pastor of the Church at Wieuca in North Atlanta. He also serves as a leadership coach and columnist with the Center for Healthy Churches. He and his wife, Amanda, currently reside in Brookhaven, Georgia.)