Long before we knew that concerns related to the COVID-19 virus would shift churches from in-person gatherings to online communities, those serving in the clergy and other caring vocations were considered to be more at risk for burnout and depression than other professions.

Recent studies indicate that stress, burnout and mental fatigue have been becoming more intense among clergy for years, leading even some of the most devout ministers to leave ministry.

While no one knows the exact percentage of ministers who experience depression, long before COVID-19 concerns were on the radar, Matthew Stanford, a professor of psychology and neuroscience at Baylor University suggested, “The likelihood is that one out of every four ministers is depressed.”

Like many other care-giving vocations, ministry is tough on the mind, body, and emotions. Simply put, those who care for the souls of others often find it difficult to work in time to take care of themselves. But proactive self-care is essential for ministers, especially during times like these.

Self-care includes developing and maintaining healthy practices that promote and preserve good physical, spiritual and mental well-being.

While these three areas of wellness are intertwined and inseparable, in my own life and the experience of many of my colleagues, I recognize that prioritizing physical and spiritual health to the exclusion of mental health, usually results in the diminishment of all three.

In his book, “Surviving the Stained-Glass Jungle,” respected pastor (now deceased) Bill Self contended that, “Self-care is not destructive self-indulgence, but rather it is being a steward of some rather special gifts – the human body and soul, along with the capacity to bring joy to others as well as to experience it.”

Over the past couple of weeks, I have been checking in with dozens of other pastors. When I asked, “How are you doing?” their responses have mostly fallen into three categories:

• “I’m doing okay most of the time, but I have my moments.”
• “Some days my anxiety gets the best of me.”
• “Pray for me. I’m not sure how I am going to get through this.”

If you are a minister and you are feeling a little frazzled, you are not alone. It’s no wonder the anxiety of ministers is elevated. Think about it. When the crisis hit, we jumped into ministry overdrive:

• We are ministering to a highly anxious group of people in our congregations and surrounding communities.
• We have been called on to make a large number of pivotal decisions about online worship schedules, campus closures, pastoral visitation, virtual committee meetings, electronic giving initiatives, expense reduction strategies, and staff schedules, all in an extremely short period of time.
• Almost everything in our course of work is transitioning, including the way we connect for worship, the way we communicate with our congregation, the way we do pastoral care, the way we perform weddings, the way we officiate funerals, and the way we relate to our colleagues.
• Many of us thrive on personal contact with our parishioners, but now we are temporarily limited to impersonal contact with them.

We don’t know how long this season of elevated concern will last. Although we can hope for a return to smaller in-person gatherings in the near future, it is likely that some of the precautionary guidelines such as limited physical contact and reduced group sizes will continue for months, not weeks.

As we navigate these uncharted waters, it is imperative that we practice healthy self-care, or our energy and creativity will fizzle when our people need us most.

As we upgrade our commitment to caring for ourselves so we can better care for others, I offer the following suggestions:

• Deepen your devotional life. The further we progress in ministry, the easier it becomes to neglect personal growth.
• If you are married, make your marriage a priority. We can’t put our marriage on cruise control, or we will likely lose our marriage and our ministry.
• Strengthen connections with your colleagues. The adventure ahead requires that we become even more collegial. Though this requires doing so from a distance for the time being, we can use technology to maintain and strengthen relationships.
• Practice sabbath consistently. Though our “ox” might be in the proverbial ditch for a week or two, it is urgent that we return to the practice of sabbath, taking an off day, and temporarily disconnecting from media as soon as possible. Carey Nieuwhof reminds us that, “Leaders who never take a break, end up breaking.”
• Become even more flexible. Ministry has always required a certain amount of elasticity, but this chapter will require outside-the-box thinking and extraordinarily adaptive leadership.
• Upgrade your “EQ.” I don’t think it is realistic for anyone to be a completely non-anxious presence, but healthy emotional intelligence (also referred to as emotional quotient) enables us to be less-anxious presence in highly anxious times.
• Be transparent with your congregation. Let them know that you love them and that you are honored to lead them. But also let them know that we are now pioneers on a new adventure going “where no congregation has gone before.”

Life in the stained-glass jungle has unique rewards and challenges. Self-care is absolutely essential.

Bill Self reminded us that, “It takes courage to take care of yourself. One of the hallmarks of a professional is the ability to keep healthy – physically, emotionally, and spiritually. You must take responsibility for yourself and not expect others to take the initiative to care for you.”

Practicing good self-care can empower a pastor to be mentally sharp, emotionally balanced, and spiritually perceptive in all seasons, even times like these.

(Barry Howard is a pastoral counselor and leadership coach who currently serves as pastor of the Wieuca Road Baptist Church in Atlanta.)

 

 

If it feels like your emotions are “all over the map” during these days of sequester and “physical distancing,” you are not alone. In addition to altering our schedules and delaying many of our plans, the closures and life interruptions may potentially disrupt our sense of emotional balance.

Stress can be a good thing. For example, the stress of preparing for the final exam motivates us to study diligently. Or, the stress of getting ready for a speaking engagement or a presentation at work inspires us to rehearse thoroughly. However, the introduction of multiple significant stressors simultaneously can put us in a state of distress. Distress often upsets our emotional equilibrium.

Emotions are complex. I find it helpful to think of my emotional flow as a traffic pattern. When we are following a normal routine, our emotions follow familiar roads. For instance, when we arrive at an intersection, there is a traffic light or stop sign that prompts us on when to stop and when to go. The intersection entails certain risks, but we feel safe and confident because we are familiar with the pattern and we have a fairly high degree of certainty that others will follow the prescribed prompts.

However, when multiple stressors are suddenly and unexpectedly introduced into our life, our normative emotional traffic patterns are disrupted and often rerouted. Imagine that you are approaching a major intersection at the juxtaposition of two four-lane highways only to discover that there has been a power outage and the traffic signals are not working.

Every vehicle approaching that intersection is trying to determine who should stop, who should go, and who is next. And because the normal standard (the traffic light) has been removed, chaos ensues until common courtesy is extended and cars proceed to navigate the intersection carefully knowing that though the drivers share the same goal (to get through the intersection), they do not have a mutually agreed upon method for navigating the new dynamics.

Describing a similar change of patterns, Terry Pratchett cautioned, “This isn’t life in the fast lane, it’s life in the oncoming traffic.”

In recent days, in an effort to flatten the curve and minimize the impact of coronavirus, the preventative measures we all need to be taking have also created new and significant sources of stress for us. Depending on our individual circumstances, we may be adjusting to stressors such as working from home, providing childcare at home, loss of job or reduced income, caring for a sick friend or relative, adjusting to economic realities, or loss of contact with your primary social group or community of support.

Based on their level of emotional intelligence (EQ), some individuals can manage one to two significant stressors without throwing their emotional balance into a tailspin. But for most of us, the sudden and simultaneous addition of two to three significant stressors creates a traffic jam in our emotional traffic flow.

What is the best way for us to navigate the rush hour traffic of our new emotional realities?

• Slow down. Whenever we are navigating unfamiliar territory, we need to travel at a slower pace.
• Anticipate emotional fluctuations. Momentary surges in anxiety, frustration, anger, and melancholy are normal.
• Exercise patience. Be patient with yourself as the new normal actually becomes more normal.
• Own your emotions. Discuss your emotional fluctuations with a trusted friend, accountability partner, or counselor. Verbalizing your emotions may prove to be therapeutic.
• Nurture important relationships. Invest in encouraging others and stay virtually connected to your closest friends.
• Become more grounded in your faith. Let your spirituality serve as an anchor. Emotions are fickle, even when they are held in balance.
• Fly by the instrument panel. Like a veteran pilot landing a plane in the fog, make decision based on what you “know,” not how you “feel” at any given moment.

In this season of temporary shutdowns, heightened anxiety, and elevated concern, be assured that we are all novices, not experts, at dealing with the ramifications of a health pandemic. And based on age, health, genetics, and many other factors, every individual has a unique emotional composition.

As we navigate the emotional turbulence associated with these days, let us be patient with ourselves. And let us be patient with others who are struggling with emotions that are “all over the map.”

(Barry Howard is a pastoral counselor and leadership coach who currently serves as the pastor of the Wieuca Road Baptist Church in Atlanta.)

Fear can be antagonizing and paralyzing. It can affect our physical health, our emotional health, and our spiritual health. It causes us to make poor and uninformed decisions. And more importantly, fear can distract us from our God-given mission.

Perhaps the disruptive effect of fear prompted Paul to underscore, “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind” (II Timothy 1:7).

There is an old German proverb that says, “Fear makes the wolf bigger than he is.”

Depending on the translation we are reading, over 100 times the Bible specifically urges us to “fear not.”

I don’t think this means that as believers we never feel a wave of fear. I think it means that we should never give into our fears or be dominated by our fears.

There are many things that strike a chord of fear in our world: the threat of war, the perils of financial collapse, or the risk of being exposed to a pandemic virus.

As with SARS, Bird Flu, and Ebola in the past, the coronavirus has certainly and rightly stirred concern with population groups around the world. Fears related to COVID-19 have adversely influenced world markets, have limited travel abroad, have restricted public gatherings, and have closed numerous schools and universities. While the virus has spread rapidly in China, Iran, and Italy, to this point there have only been a relatively small number of cases in the United States compared to flu and other viruses.

Our faith urges us to resist the temptation to give into fear. Rather, we should educate ourselves in the facts of the virus and we should take proactive precautions.
Here are a few practical suggestions:

• Prioritize prayer and refuse to panic. Pray for those infected, those who are working toward an effective vaccine, and those who live in more at-risk regions of the world. Dorothy Bernard proposes that “Courage is fear that has said its prayers.”

• Practice proactive hygiene. The recommended precautions are similar to the precautions recommended for the flu. Switch from handshakes to fist bumps, and wash hands regularly and rigorously.

• Postpone travel to high risk areas. Don’t be afraid to take your family vacation but avoid the high-risk regions of the world.

• Proceed with your schedule and your daily responsibilities as normally as possible until advised to take additional precautions.

• Persist in maintaining a positive attitude. Fear makes us cranky and irritable. Some even suggests that fear and other negative emotions may compromise our immune systems. However, a positive attitude and an informed mind helps us to counter our fears and to be salt and light in our church and community.

Frederick W. Cropp surmised that, “There is much in the world to make us afraid. There is much more in our faith to make us unafraid.”

In any and every circumstance, refuse to be dominated by fear. Take courage, stay informed, and “fear not!”

(Barry Howard serves as the pastor of the Wieuca Road Baptist Church in Atlanta, Georgia.)

This year I think I’ll give up worry for Lent. Earlier this week I watched news footage from the Fat Tuesday celebration in New Orleans, a day where many indulge in gluttonous feasting or revelry. Yesterday we observed Ash Wednesday, which marks the beginning of the season of Lent, a time of intentional preparation for Easter. During this season, believers focus on self-examination, reflection, and repentance.

Traditionally, Christians give up something of importance to them during Lent. I have friends who give up one or more of their favorite things such as chocolate, coffee, sugar, or soft drinks. But since I have a genetic predisposition to worry, I think I’ll try to give it up for at least 40 days.

I don’t really like to worry. In fact, it’s not constructive. Worry is like spam or junk mail. It just takes up valuable space in my mind, space needed for creative thinking, planning, visioning, and problem solving. And I know I function better when I am not weighted down with excessive worry. But each time I kick worry out the front door of my mind, it seems to sneak around and re-enter through the back door.

Years ago a friend of mind had a huge poster mounted on the wall over his desk that said, “Don’t tell me worry doesn’t help. Half of the things I worry about never happen.”

Erma Bombeck quipped that, “Worry is like a rocking chair: it gives you something to do but never gets you anywhere.”

I think worry can be inherited. I witnessed the wear and tear of worry in my parents and grandparents. I have noted that many of their offspring struggle with this mental distraction.

And I am in good company. I frequently have coffee with CEO’s, ministers, business owners, attorneys, physicians, and educators and they all tend to suffer from a similar dilemma. That is not surprising because there are so many things about which a person can worry… your business, your family, your investments, terrorism, the economy, the future. The list seems endless.

Perhaps my friends should give up worry for Lent also. Since Lent is a time of intentional preparation for Easter, maybe we should listen again to the words of Jesus who urged his followers to give up worry:

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Matthew 6:25-27

As we begin our Lenten journey, I am going to try to give up worry for at least 40 days…and maybe, hopefully, longer.

(Barry Howard currently serves as the pastor of Wieuca Road Baptist Church in Atlanta.)

I love to read. I only wish I had learned to enjoy reading at an earlier age.

My affinity for reading was slow to develop. But when it emerged, it flourished. During my teenage years, I perceived reading to be a nuisance and somewhat of a necessary evil to get decent grades. At some point during my college years, however, I learned to appreciate the gift of reading, not just for assignments or entertainment, but for personal growth.

These days I find reading to be relaxing, educational, and often inspirational. Like Walt Disney, I have discovered that, “There is more treasure in books than in all the pirate’s loot on Treasure Island.”

In my work as a pastor, I need to read widely to stay current and relevant. More importantly, I need books like I need food, to satisfy cognitive hunger and to probe intellectual curiosity. Books stimulate my thinking, exercise my memory muscles, and challenge my presuppositions.

Typically, I read a variety of genres including fiction, spirituality, theology, history, and biography. And I usually keep from three to five books going at the same time, a discipline that was recommended by Opal Lovett, one of my favorite faculty members from Jacksonville State University. This practice invites a variety of authors to gather around the table in my internal chat room.

I also intentionally read books I disagree with. Rather than making me combative, the practice of reading opposing viewpoints challenges me to test my assumptions and it familiarizes me with a variety of perspectives. This discipline equips me to dialogue and debate intelligibly, and not just emotively.

For the past several years, around the first of January, I make a list of books that I plan to read during the coming year. While I hope to read 40-50 books this year, I have already compiled a list of twenty of the books I want to be sure to read in 2020:

1. The Church of Us vs Them by David Fitch
2. Talking to Strangers by Malcolm Gladwell
3. Anxious for Nothing by Max Lucado
4. Just Mercy by Bryan Stephenson
5. Preaching from the Old Testament by Walter Brueggemann
6. The Walk: Five Essential Practices of the Christian Life by Adam Hamilton
7. The Guardians by John Grisham
8. The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry by John Mark Comer and John Ortberg
9. Irresistable: Reclaiming the New That Jesus Unleashed for the World by Andy Stanley
10. A Time for Every Purpose by Doug Dortch
11. Pastor Paul by Scot McKnight
12. Truth and Hope: Essays for a Perilous Age by Walter Brueggemann and Louis Stallone
13. How Your Congregation Learns by Tim Shapiro
14. How to Lead When You Don’t Know Where You Are Going by Susan Beaumont
15. Uproar: Calm Leadership in Anxious Times by Peter Steinke
16. The New Testament in its World by N.T. Wright.
17. Quietly Courageous: Leading the Church in a Changing World by Gil Rendle
18. Embracing God’s Future Without Forgetting the Past by Michael K. Girlinghouse
19. Sold on a Monday by Kristina McMorris
20. Does God Really Like Me?: Discovering the God Who Wants to Be With Us by Cyd Holsclaw and Geoff Holsclaw

Whether you are a fast reader or a slow reader, a hard print reader or a e-book reader, read for quality, not quantity.

This year I invite you to join me in adopting the philosophy of Fran Lebowitz: “Think before you speak. Read before you think.”

Enjoy a soul-stirring and mind-bending year of reading in 2020!

(Barry Howard serves as the pastor of Wieuca Road Baptist Church in Atlanta. He enjoys reading, writing, and playing golf.)

A few days after the birth of Jesus, Mary and Joseph made their way from Bethlehem to Jerusalem where they took the baby to the temple, as was the custom, to have him consecrated to the Lord. Historians believe the baby Jesus would have been 40 to 41 days old.

After offering their customary sacrifice, they encountered Simeon, a man who was “righteous and devout” and who was “waiting for the consolation of Israel.”  The account of this sobering baby dedication is told in Luke 2:25-35.

As Simeon was moved by the Spirit, he took the child in his arms and praised God, saying: “ For your eyes have seen your salvation, which you have prepared in the sight of all people, a light for revelation to the Gentiles and for glory to your people Israel.”

After the blessing, Joseph and Mary marveled. But Simeon continued, “This child is destined to cause the falling and rising of many in Israel, and to be a sign that will be spoken against, so that the thoughts of many will be revealed. And a sword that will pierce your own soul too.”

I love the old spiritual, “Sweet Little Jesus Boy.” But I am not sure that title fits the predictive blessing of Simeon. According to this wise old priest, the child born to Joseph and Mary will reveal God’s gift of salvation.  But in demonstrating this “light” and “glory,” he will also upset the status quo and inevitably confront significant opposition. And those who follow him may be called to do the same.

Unlike many of the myths of Christmas, salvation may involve more that deciding whether you are going to be naughty or nice. According to Luke, salvation involves “denying self” and “bearing the cross,” a summons for us to be determined and courageous in our following the one born in Bethlehem.

A life lived by faith still involves navigating the twists and turns we encounter on our journey, an unpredictable expedition winding between the peaks of good and evil, feast and famine, and blessing and injustice.

And depending on our own sense of calling and mission, our journey will be unique. Some of us are more likely to contend with the perils of prosperity, while others are more likely to experience the pangs of persecution.

Although the birth of Jesus is celebrated with hope, peace, joy, and love, this matter of following Jesus is risky business. It requires durable commitment, frequent forgiveness, and tenacious perseverance.

Like the shepherds and the wise men, we have followed the star to find the babe in the manger. As a new year begins, will we dare to follow him further?

(Barry Howard serves as a leadership coach and consultant with the Center for Healthy Churches. He and his wife, Amanda, live in Pensacola, Florida.)

(The following article was first published in 2012.  It is re-posted in memory of Elliott and Frances Dobelstein.)

During the season of Christmas and Advent, a variety of nativity scenes are being displayed in home, churches, and communities around the world. At First Baptist Church of Pensacola, there is a small nativity scene in the window of the Paul Royal Recreation and Outreach Center that has a story to tell—a story of hope and a story of perseverance.

In 1972, Frances and Elliott Dobelstein purchased and displayed a rather large lighted outdoor nativity scene on the front lawn of our church campus. While many passersby enjoyed seeing the colorful manger scene atop Palafox Hill, the outdoor display became more difficult to maintain and to protect from vandals.

As the Dobelsteins grew older, they wanted to continue to sponsor the display but they could no longer perform the manual labor required to set up, take down, and store the display. It was then that Frances made an appointment with me to share a vision and a memory that together make a story worth telling:

On December 28, 1971, the Dobelsteins’ son, Wayne, was critically injured in a snorkeling accident while on a field trip with the diving club from his school. Wayne, who was 16 years old at the time, did not survive the accident. Devastated when they received the news, the Dobelstein family travelled to Marathon Key to bring their son home. When the family arrived in Marathon Key, the harsh reality of the loss of their son became almost impossible to bear. Frances, who had been a person of strong faith, says that she was at a breaking point. That night she took a walk outside their hotel room desperately praying for the strength to get through this dark night. Frances said, “I happened to pass a church, and on the front lawn I saw a nativity scene. It wasn’t fancy. It was old and appeared to be made of plastic.”

Frances doesn’t remember all she thought about that night as she stared at the manger, but she does recollect thinking, “God not only had a son, but God knows what it feels like to lose a son.” She said it was at that moment her resolve changed and a glimmer of hope emerged. “On the darkest night of my life, I had a quiet peace that God was with me in this tragedy and would help me to make it through.”

When the Dobelsteins returned to Pensacola, they asked Dr. Jim Pleitz, who served as their pastor at that time, if they could place a lighted nativity scene on the campus of First Baptist Church as a testimony of hope in the midst of the night.

Years later, in 2008 the Dobelsteins purchased a new small, table-top nativity that is now displayed in the window of the ROC, a scene reminiscent of the one Frances saw on that dark night in 1971. This year marks 40 years that the Dobelsteins have sponsored a nativity scene on our church campus.

When some folks gaze at the manger, they think about “good news of great joy which shall be to all people.” But for others, like Elliott and Frances Dobelstein, the sight of the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes brings hope that twinkles as bright as a Christmas star shining over Bethlehem on a dark desert night.

 

 

For to us a child is born,
to us a son is given,
and the government will be on his shoulders.
And he will be called
Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. Isaiah 9:6

At times life can be like a roller coaster with lots of ups and downs. At other times life is like a maze and you don’t know which direction to turn next.

In the creation narrative in Genesis, God is introduced as one who brings order out of chaos, as one who brings light into darkness.  But there may be tumultuous seasons along your journey where your order collapses into chaos,  or moments when it seems the light gives way to darkness. This is especially when there is an unexpected diagnosis, trauma, or death within your family or among your circle of friends.

Of all the names in the Bible that refer to the promised messiah, during the past few years the title “Prince of Peace” has taken on new meaning for our family. Across our years of marriage and ministry, we have been blessed with good health, supportive congregations, and encouraging friends. However, over the past twenty years, we have experienced the sickness and eventual death of multiple family members.

When a family member is being treated for a catastrophic illness, you learn to be extremely flexible. You learn to pray in deeper ways than you have prayed before. You learn not to panic when the phone rings in the middle of the night. You strive to keep all of your family members on the same page regarding care and treatment. You take time to treasure your phone calls and visits with friends and family members because you are more aware of the uncertainty of the future. Such circumstances tend to intensify your stress level and keep your emotions on edge.

God has promised never to leave us but to give us strength in times of adversity. The prophet Isaiah told of a coming messiah who would be an insightful counselor, a proactive God, a dependable parent, and an ambassador of peace. As Christians, we believe that these attributes describe the life, ministry, and disposition of Jesus.

The Apostle Paul encouraged believers to look to the Prince of Peace for strength in every season and every circumstance: Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:6-7)

When unexpected difficulties and challenges come your way, take time to get reacquainted with the Prince of Peace. He will help guide your decisions and guard your emotions as you navigate the twists and turns of life. It is his nature to bring order out of chaos.

Prayer: God of peace, thank you for promising to be with us in all of the seasons of life. Whether we are on the highest mountain or in the lowest valley, grant us inner peace through our companionship with Jesus, who is the ultimate Prince of Peace. Amen.

(Barry Howard serves as a leadership coach with the Center for Healthy Churches and a pastoral counselor with Faith and Hope Counseling Center. He and his wife Amanda reside in Pensacola, Florida.)

A few days ago, Amanda and I celebrated our 34th Anniversary. We were married on September 7, 1985 at the Post Oak Springs Baptist Church. Our wedding was simple but beautiful. The church was packed. And our journey together has been quite an adventure with lots of unexpected twists and turns, a journey that has enabled us to learn and grow, and to make quite a few friends along the way.

Our wedding party was small by design. Amanda’s mother served as her matron of honor and my youngest brother served as my best man. The front of the sanctuary was decorated with a lush garden of ferns. After we recited our vows and exchanged our rings, the officiating minister served communion to us and asked God’s blessings on our life and ministry. It was quite a memorable and worshipful occasion, which is the ultimate purpose of a Christian wedding.

After a reception (which in those days featured wedding cake, nuts, mints, and unspiked punch) in the Fellowship Hall we departed for our honeymoon and the real work of marriage began. The merging of two lives is never easy and is often messy. Amanda and I have been blessed. We have tasted both the “for better and for worse” experiences of life, and our relationship has grown stronger during all seasons.

When it comes to marriage, I chose wisely. I resonate with Churchill’s assessment: My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me.

Marriage is perhaps the most unique of all human relationships. The privilege of partnering with one person for life is a blessing and a challenge.

But for the pastor’s family, the challenges are unique. While every marriage has its challenges, a minister’s marriage is lived out in a distinctly translucent context which adds a few additional challenges:

• The glass house syndrome. A minister’s family life requires a little more transparency and is often scrutinized more publicly than the average marriage.
• The swinging pendulum of emotions. Because a minister deals with the emotion of everything in life from birth to death, a minister’s family is subject to lots of emotional fluctuation.
• The burden of confidentiality. A minister deals with sensitive confidential issues perpetually, and although a minister’s spouse is not privy to many of those issues, the duress of confidentiality often bleeds over into the minister’s home life.
• The flexibility challenge. A minister’s schedule is always tentative. Interruptions are a constant. Vacation plans change. Kid’s ball games and concerts are missed. A minister’s life demands extraordinary flexibility.
• The fatigue factor. Many ministers confess that they teeter on the brink of burnout or pastoral fatigue. A minister’s family must not only contend with a parent who is often physically or emotionally tired, but without a sense of balance and a time for refreshing, the weariness can drive the entire family toward “church burnout.”

According to Hebrews 13:4, “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure.” Although this admonition is for the entire faith community, it is especially important for ministers.

To build a healthy marriage, a minister and spouse cannot be naïve to the aforementioned stressors, but rather should take proactive steps to navigate these challenges with faith, discernment, and intentionality. As we have grown through 34 years of marriage, we have gained a few insights into what makes marriage work for us:

• Embrace the uniqueness of the “ministry life.” Life for a minister’s family is not abnormal. It is just a different kind of normal. We try to live into the uniqueness rather than avoiding it or denying it.
• Avoid unrealistic expectations. You will likely encounter a few church members who have unrealistic or idealistic expectations for your work schedule, your preaching topics, and your family life. You will be a more effective minister and you will have a healthier family life if you live out of the wellspring of your gifts and convictions, and not the expectations of others.
• Schedule time for dates. There is a lot of demand on a pastor’s schedule. Calendaring can often be like doing triage. Across the years I learned to calendar appointments with Amanda for lunch dates, dinner dates, sporting events, and other fun activities. Otherwise, my schedule becomes full and we will miss spending quality time together.
• Avoid taking the stress and stories of work home. Usually when a pastor leaves the office, that pastor is still in ministry mode, making evening visits or phone calls, working on preparation for upcoming services, or processing the events of the day. And while I occasionally needed to decompress by discussing an extremely stressful situation, I always tried to avoid discussing the daily debris of ministry with my wife.
• Take your off days and your vacation. I wish I had been a better practitioner of this insight. Only a couple of times during our 34 years have I taken all of my allotted vacation time. However, the older I get, I find that it is more important to take time to rest, refocus, and rejuvenate, for my physical health, my spiritual health, and for the health of our marriage.
• Use extreme discretion in telling stories involving your marriage or family life. All of the congregations I served loved stories and they seemed receptive to illustrative stories from our personal experiences, such as our adventures in tennis, golf, or travels. However, I try to only tell stories that highlight and illustrate how our lives intersect with the application of the biblical text, and I avoid stories that are intimate or critical.
• Do ministry together occasionally. Amanda has her own passion for ministry, and she invests her time and energy in serving, just like any other member of our congregation. However, we occasionally enjoy making hospital visits together, engaging in mission projects together, and even reading and discussing the same books.
• Take care of your health. During our wedding, we pledged to be faithful to each other in sickness and in health. Obviously, we prefer to be healthy. We do a pretty good job of keeping up with our doctor’s visits and we are proactive in caring for our health. Monitoring and managing your health is a part of your stewardship of life.
• Learn when to say “yes” and when to say “no” to invitations. We enjoy being socially active, but there is no way to say yes to every invitation. It is a biblical imperative to “let your yes be yes and your no be no.”
• Keep growing… together. I don’t think anyone, especially a minister and wife, ever reaches a point where you can put your marriage on cruise control. A healthy marriage requires ongoing nurture. There is a big difference in growing old together and getting old together. We want to grow old together by continuing to grow spiritually, intellectually, and intimately.

A healthy marriage may not necessarily make ministry easier, but an unhealthy marriage certainly makes ministry more difficult. If you neglect your marriage in order to preserve your ministry, you are likely to lose both.

I love being married. And I especially love being married to Amanda. We have shared a partnership in life and ministry for 34 years now. And I look forward to many more.

(Barry Howard is a retired pastor who now serves as a leadership coach with the Center for Healthy Churches. He and his wife Amanda reside in Pensacola, Florida.)