Tag: love

Marriage and Stuff: 7 Things I Wish We’d Been Told 40 Years Ago

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On September 7, 1985, Amanda and I stood in front of the congregation at the Post Oak Springs Baptist Church, exchanged wedding vows, and promised to love, honor, and cherish each other for life. The sanctuary was packed, a garden of ferns filled the choir loft, and the reception consisted of a simple buffet of wedding, nuts, mints, and punch. We were young, hopeful, and ready to face the world together.

Now, 40 years later, we’ve discovered that marriage is the greatest classroom of all. It teaches lessons you never thought you needed, often through life’s pop quizzes you didn’t see coming. Looking back, I sometimes wonder what would have been different if someone had pulled us aside that day and whispered a few of things we were about to learn in the trenches.

Across the years, as I have met with couples for “pre-marriage counseling,” I have shared some of the insights we’ve gleaned from our experiences along the way. Here are a few of those lessons:

1. Love is less about feelings and more about choices. The butterflies fade, the flowers wilt, and the honeymoon ends. But choosing each other every day, especially on the hard days, is what keeps the bond strong.

2. You can’t fix each other. I think every couple thinks they can sand off their spouse’s rough edges. Turns out, each person’s rough edges tend to create a bit of healthy tension that keeps you engaged in the relationship. The truth is, marriage is about helping each other grow, not remodeling each other into your dream spouse.

3. Laughter really is medicine. We’ve learned that a shared laugh can dissolve tension faster than a well-argued point. A good sense of humor is as important as a good budget.

4. You will disappoint each other. Perfection is a myth. Forgiveness is a must. Grace has saved our marriage more times than strategy ever could. So keep making more space for grace.

5. Time is one of your most valuable gifts. Careers, calendars, and commitments will fight for your attention. But nothing nourishes a marriage like time together. Even ordinary moments—a walk, a meal, a quiet evening—become more meaningful when shared.

6. Change is constant. We’re not the same people we were at 21 and 25, and that’s a good thing. Healthy marriages make room for growth, reinvention, and a few gray hairs.

7. Faith anchors you. Storms come—stressful circumstances, health scares, and compounded grief—but faith has been our ballast. As Ecclesiastes reminds us, “A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”

If I could go back and whisper something to that young couple at the altar, I’d say: “Relax. You won’t have it all figured out. Just keep choosing each other, keep laughing, keep forgiving, and keep leaning on God.”

For your marriage to have durability, you can never put your relationship on cruise control. You will be called on to be focused, faithful, and flexible. Maya Angelou nailed it when she wrote, “Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope.” 

Forty years in, our relationship is still growing, not because life has been easy, but because we’ve weathered it together. And if marriage means you have to wade through  “stuff,” as the title suggests, then I’m grateful for every bit of that stuff—because it has shaped us into who we are today.

Here’s to the next chapter of love, laughter, and learning together.

Building Bridges Across the Great Divide

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When construction began on the Golden Gate Bridge in 1933, skeptics said it couldn’t be done. The winds were too fierce. The fog too dense. The span too long. But through grit, innovation, and vision, workers united across trades and backgrounds to connect two shores that had long been separated. Against enormous odds, the bridge was completed in 1937 and still stands today. It is not just as an engineering marvel, but a symbol of what’s possible when people work together to span what divides them.

Our nation needs that kind of bridge-building again, not with steel and cables, but with courage, empathy, and dialogue.

We are living in a time when division feels more visible and more visceral than ever. Political debates become personal battles. Social media threads unravel into shouting matches. Families gather around dinner tables, uncertain about how to talk about the world without tearing each other apart.

We are, in many ways, a nation of silos, more comfortable in our echo chambers than in conversations that challenge us. But if we want to build a better future, we cannot afford to remain divided. The health of our democracy and the well-being of our families and communities depend on our ability to build bridges across the great divide.

A wise person once remarked, “Unity is not the absence of differences but the presence of mutual respect in the midst of them.”

Division is not new, but it has been amplified. Fueled by polarized media, ideological entrenchment, and the fast-paced spread of misinformation and disinformation, we’ve drifted into a mindset that sees those who disagree with us not as fellow citizens but as threats. That’s a dangerous place for any society to be.

As the late Senator John McCain once warned, “We weaken our greatness when we confuse patriotism with tribal rivalries that have sown resentment and hatred and violence across all the corners of the globe.” Civility isn’t cowardice. It’s a form of courage. And dialogue isn’t defeat; it’s a doorway to understanding.

After the Civil War, President Abraham Lincoln worked not only to reunite the nation politically but to heal it relationally. When criticized for showing kindness to Confederate sympathizers, Lincoln replied, “Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends?” His commitment to unity, even amidst deep division, laid a foundation for national healing, one conversation and one gesture at a time

Recently, I read about a local church and a nearby civic group who hosted a community roundtable with people from across the political spectrum. The conversation was slow and awkward at times, but also honest, respectful, and hopeful. Participants left not with total agreement, but with mutual appreciation and a shared desire to keep the conversation going.

That’s where healing begins: not in uniformity, but in humility and respect.

A shared future requires shared values. Most of us, regardless of political leanings, want similar things: safe communities, healthy families, meaningful work, a stable economy, and a sense of dignity and belonging for all people. When we begin with the values we hold in common, we can face what divides us with greater grace.

To live in unity does not require uniformity of thought, perspective, or conviction. It does require that we build on our common values, even when we don’t share the exact same viewpoint. Rick Warren wisely reminds us, “We don’t have to see eye to eye to walk hand in hand.”

The work of bridge-building is not glamorous. It won’t trend on social media. But it is deeply necessary. It happens in quiet conversations, in community service projects, in choosing curiosity over caricature.

If we want to leave a better world for our children and grandchildren, we must begin not by shouting louder, but by listening deeper. We must become savvy builders who construct bridges, cultivate relationships, and collaborate as problem-solvers. And we must dare to believe that across even the widest divide, bridges can still be built.

Let us be those who build them.

(Barry Howard is a retired pastor who now serves as a leadership coach and consultant with the Center for Healthy Churches. He and his wife live on Cove Lake in northeast Alabama.)

“A Sweet Friendship Refreshes the Soul”

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“Just as lotions and fragrance give sensual delight, a sweet friendship refreshes the soul.”
Proverbs 27:9, The Message

There’s nothing quite like a true friend. Not just an acquaintance, not just a name in your contacts list—but someone who lifts your spirits, listens without judgment, and lingers beside you in both celebration and sorrow. According to Proverbs 27:9, that kind of friendship is like a soothing balm—something that restores, heals, and renews the soul.

In a time when loneliness is called a public health crisis, the simple beauty of soul-refreshing friendship becomes even more vital. It’s not flashy. It’s not trending. But it’s life-saving.

C. Raymond Beran described a friend this way: “A friend is someone with whom you dare to be yourself. Your soul can be naked with them. They ask you to put on nothing—only to be what you are.” With them, you can laugh without caution, cry without shame, and speak without filters. You can sit in silence or spill your story. With a true friend, you are not edited, evaluated, or erased. You are simply embraced.

History offers us luminous models of such relationships. When C. S. Lewis and J. R. R. Tolkien met at Oxford, they bonded over stories, ideas, and faith. Over the years, their friendship sharpened their creativity and deepened their convictions. Lewis once wrote, “Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art… It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival.”

We may not all write epic novels, but each of us needs that kind of sweet, soulful companionship.

How does this relate to our faith and our church? A church ought to be the kind of place where friendship blooms. The early Quakers captured this spirit when they called themselves “The Society of Friends.” Churches aren’t meant to be cold institutions, but communities where friendships in Christ sustain us through joy and heartache, growth and grief.

Yes, maintaining good friendships requires effort—patience, forgiveness, and grace. E.C. McKenzie once noted, “Some people make enemies instead of friends because it is less trouble.” But oh, what a loss. Because when you find that friend who refreshes your soul, you’ve found a rare and sacred gift.

Take time today to reflect about the friends who lighten your load and lift your spirit. Call them. Thank them. Pray for them. And if your soul is weary, open your heart to a new friend. You never know—God may use that sweet friendship to refresh your soul in ways you didn’t expect.

“The Gift of Friendship: Blessed Be the Tie That Binds”

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What in the world would we do without friends?

Trusted and treasured friendships bring both joy and stability to life’s adventures. Mark Twain humorously quipped, “Good friends, good books, and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.” While not all relationships are deep or lasting, the bonds of true friendship have a way of grounding us, enriching our experiences, and helping us navigate life’s ups and downs.

Some people remain mere acquaintances, while others—often unexpectedly—become dear friends. The ancient wisdom of Proverbs 18:24 (as rendered in The Message) acknowledges this reality: “Friends come and friends go, but a true friend sticks by you like family.” Friendship is not just about shared interests or proximity; it’s about commitment, loyalty, and a willingness to walk alongside one another through all seasons of life.

C. Raymond Beran offers a poignant description of friendship:

Friends are people with whom you dare to be yourself. Your soul can be naked with them. They ask you to put on nothing, only to be what you are. They do not want you to be better or worse. When you are with them, you feel as a prisoner feels who has been declared innocent. You do not have to be on your guard. You can say what you think, as long as it is genuinely you… Friends understand those contradictions in your nature that lead others to misjudge you… You can weep with them, sing with them, laugh with them, pray with them. Through it all—and underneath—they see, know, and love you.

In a world where competition and self-interest often dominate, how do we develop and sustain meaningful friendships? The answer lies in grace, mercy, patience, and perseverance. True friendship requires intentionality—it may be a gift from God, but it must be proactively cultivated and nurtured.

Churches, at their best, are built not just on faith but also on friendship. A congregation is a diverse collection of people from different backgrounds who stand together in tough times, who challenge and inspire one another, and who—despite their differences—unite in a shared faith and mission. Perhaps the Quakers had it right when they named their faith community “The Society of Friends.”

Friendship is durable. It binds our hearts and minds in a way that bridges theological differences, rises above political disagreements, and weathers the hardships of life.

As we move forward, let us cherish the friendships we have and remain open to forming new ones. Robert Louis Stevenson once wrote, “So long as we are loved by others, I would almost say that we are indispensable; and no man is useless while he has a friend.” Indeed, friendship has a way of affirming our worth and purpose.

E.C. McKenzie insightfully noted, “Some people make enemies instead of friends because it is less trouble.” While friendships may require effort, vulnerability, and sometimes even forgiveness, they are undeniably worth it. After all, life is richer when shared with those who remind us of our song—even when we forget the words.

(Barry Howard is a retired pastor who serves as a leadership coach and consultant with the Center for Healthy Churches.)

Reflections on Turning 65: 10 Things I Am Still Learning About Life

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Today I turn 65 years old, and I’m proud of it. Kevan Manwaring suggests, “A birthday is a time to reflect, to take stock and to look ahead.”

Ms. Bertha Boozer, our long-time neighbor in the Williams Community who lived to be 107, always told me, “I don’t understand my friends who complain when they have a birthday. Do they not understand the alternative?” Then she added, “I think every birthday is a blessing.” Amen to that!

I’ve enjoyed most of my birthdays. This year, however, as I celebrate 65 years of life, it feels a little different, a little more contemplative, a little more like a shifting of gears. At age 55 I received my AARP card. As I approached 65 I received my Medicare card. Plus, I’ve retired (again) recently, so I guess this an occasion to reflect on the journey so far, the lessons learned, and the wisdom gained along the way. So, here are some thoughts as I process this milestone birthday:

1. Faith is more of a sail to be raised than an anchor to be dropped. I certainly understand the metaphor of faith as an anchor, but that analogy is best understood in the context of a storm-tossed sea where faith keeps us from being tossed to and fro. Faith is active in the sense that it is continually growing, and we are constantly being re-shaped and “transformed by the renewing of our minds.” Faith is not about staying in one place but about moving forward, trusting the wind of the Spirit to help us navigate life’s uncertainties with confidence and grace.

2. Relationships are more important than stuff. As I’ve aged, it’s become clearer that material possessions pale in comparison to the value of deep, meaningful relationships. I can identify with Jimmy Carter’s assessment that “Earlier in my life I thought the things that mattered were the things that you could see, like your car, your house, your wealth, your property, your office. But as I’ve grown older, I’ve become convinced that the things that matter most are the things that you can’t see — the love you share with others, your inner purpose, your comfort with who you are.” People bring joy and purpose to life in a way things never can.

3. Choose the scenic route rather than the interstate. When possible, choose the backroads rather than the turnpike. Pace yourself and enjoy the scenery. Through the years I’ve even noticed that detours often turn out to be better than the route we originally chose. Life rarely goes as planned, but some of the best experiences and lessons come from unexpected changes in direction. Taking the scenic route and navigating detours has led me to places I never knew I needed to go.

4. Worry is a waste of time and brain cells. Worrying has never solved a problem or changed an outcome. Erma Bombeck was right on target: “Worry is like a rocking chair: it gives you something to do but I never gets you anywhere.” Letting go of worry frees us mental and emotional bandwidth so that we can think creatively, focus on solutions, and do effective problem-solving.

5. The most significant things we do in life we are seldom aware of when we do them. I have been blessed to have opportunities to stand before a handful of people  and to more than a thousand to preach sermons, offer eulogies, or officiate weddings. Yet I think the most significant things I’ve done in life were not in the public eye. Some of our greatest impacts on others come from simple, unintentional acts of kindness. It’s humbling to know that what feels small to us may be life-changing for someone else.

6. Time is the real currency of life and we are wise to spend it thoughtfully and intentially. Art Buchwald said “Whether it’s the best of times or the worst of times, it’s the only time we’ve got.” At 65, I’ve learned that time is far more valuable than money. How we choose to spend our time—and with whom—defines the quality of our lives.

7. Mistakes are opportunities for growth. My friend and encourager, Dr. John Harris, a retired pastor from Louisianna who served as a pastoral counselor in Birmingham, continually reminded me, “Never waste a mistake.” Mistakes are not failures; they are stepping stones to greater understanding and strength. Each one teaches us something valuable if we’re willing to learn.

8. Our self-worth is much more than the value of our bank accounts at any given time. True worth is found in character, kindness, and the love we share with others. Money can never define who we are or how much we matter. Adam Grant reminds us, “A stable sense of self-worth stems from putting identity above image: worrying less about what others think of us than what we think of ourselves.”

9. Health is a gift never to be taken for granted. Good health is one of life’s greatest blessings. Denis Waitley underscored, “Time And health are two precious assets that we don’t recognize and appreciate until they have been depleted.” Taking care of our bodies and minds allows us to fully enjoy the time we have and the people we share it with.

10. We discover our purpose as we are engaged in serving. Purpose is discovered in action, not in waiting. I’ve seen it over and over again. Students who are engaged in service projects or who serve on mission trips seem to awaken more to their life’s passion or their sense of calling in life than those who simply make career choices based on projected income. By stepping up to help and serve others, we find deeper meaning and fulfillment in life.

Turning 65 has been a time of reflection and growth. These lessons have shaped who I am and continue to guide me as I embrace the years ahead.

Despite a lifetime of experience, I am not really an expert in anything, but I am an avid student of life. As popular musician David Bowie grew older he observed, “Aging is an extraordinary process where you become the person you always should have been.”

Here’s to continuing the journey with faith, purpose, and gratitude for all that has been and all that is yet to come.

Building Up the Body: 10 Ways to Encourage One Another

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People are hungry for encouragement. Life can be extremely discouraging at times.

During this season of wars and rumors of wars, of turbulent and toxic discourse, it’s not the TikTokers or the Tweeters, not the pop culture icons or the politicians, but the encouragers who are the most significant influencers.

William Arthur Ward “Flatter me, and I may not believe you. Criticize me, and I may not like you. Ignore me, and I may not forgive you. Encourage me, and I will not forget you.”

As followers of Jesus, we are called to build each other up and encourage one another daily (I Thessalonians 5:11). In a world filled with challenges, a word of encouragement can brighten someone’s day, restore their hope, or strengthen their faith. Here are 10 practical ways you can encourage those around you:

  1. Pray for each other. One of the most powerful ways to encourage is to pray. Let someone know you’re praying for them and lift them up regularly before God.

  2. Offer a listening ear. Sometimes the best way to encourage someone is simply to listen without judgment or interruption. Let them feel heard and valued.

  3. Speak words of affirmation.  A kind word can go a long way. Affirm someone’s strengths, character, or faithfulness. Proverbs 16:24 reminds us, “Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.”

  4. Send an encouraging note. Whether it’s a handwritten card, a text message, or an email, a small note of encouragement can brighten someone’s day and remind them that they are loved and appreciated.

  5. Share an inspiring verse of scripture. The Bible is filled with promises and encouragement. Share a meaningful verse that can uplift someone during a difficult time.

  6. Celebrate the accomplishments of others. Acknowledge the milestones and victories in someone’s life, no matter how small. Celebrating with others brings joy and motivation.

  7. Be present. Sometimes just showing up when someone is going through a tough time is the most encouraging thing you can do. Your presence can speak volumes when words aren’t enough.

  8. Be available to provide assistance. Practical support in the form of running errands, providing meals, or lending a hand can encourage someone who is overwhelmed or struggling.

  9. Be patient and forgiving. Encouragement often comes through offering grace and understanding. Be patient with others, knowing we all go through seasons where we need extra kindness.

  10. Speak the truth in love. Encourage others by speaking truthfully but with compassion. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is help someone see a situation with clarity, rooted in love and grace.

Never underestimate the power and importance of encouragement. George M. Adams writes, “Encouragement is the oxygen of the soul.”

In a world where criticism, negativity, and hopelessness abound, encouragement can be a breath of fresh air. When we offer a word or gesture of encouragement, we may just resuscitate the spirit of one who is on the verge of despair.

10 Benefits of Showing Kindness

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Fred Rogers proposed, “Being kind means responding to the needs of others—and people can be kind, no matter how old or young we are.”

As we navigate our daily lives, it’s easy to overlook the profound impact that simple acts of kindness can have. The Bible encourages us to “be kind and compassionate to one another” (Ephesians 4:32), highlighting the importance of this virtue.

Here are ten benefits of kindness that illustrated how kindness can transform our lives and the lives of those around us:

1. Kindness builds and strengthens relationships. When we show kindness to others, it fosters trust, understanding, and mutual respect. These acts create a foundation for deeper, more meaningful connections with family, friends, and even strangers.

2. Kindness improves our mental health. Engaging in acts of kindness has been shown to reduce stress, anxiety, and depression. Performing kind deeds releases endorphins, the brain’s natural painkillers, and serotonin, the feel-good chemical. This helps improve our overall mood and mental well-being.

3. Kindness is good for our physical health too. Studies have found that people who practice kindness have lower blood pressure and reduced levels of cortisol, a stress hormone. This can lead to a healthier heart and a stronger immune system.

4. Kindness cultivates a positive community. Kindness is contagious. When we act kindly, it inspires others to do the same, creating a ripple effect that can transform communities. A culture of kindness promotes cooperation, reduces conflicts, and enhances the overall quality of life.

5. Acts of kindness can significantly boost our happiness. When we help others, it activates areas of the brain associated with pleasure, social connection, and trust. This “helper’s high” leaves us feeling more joyful and fulfilled.

6. Practicing kindness helps us develop empathy and compassion. By putting ourselves in others’ shoes and understanding their feelings and needs, we become more attuned to the struggles and joys of those around us, fostering a more compassionate outlook on life.

7. Kindness can help us cultivate gratitude. When we focus on helping others and being kind, we become more aware of the blessings in our own lives. This perspective shift helps us appreciate what we have and fosters a spirit of thankfulness.

8. Kindness strengthens our faith. Showing kindness aligns with God’s commandments and Jesus’ teachings. By living out kindness, we strengthen our faith and reflect God’s love to those around us. It is a powerful testimony to God’s presence in our lives.

9. Kindness enhances our self-worth and sense of purpose. Knowing that we have made a positive impact on someone else’s life boosts our confidence and reinforces our value as individuals.

10. Acts of kindness make a lasting impact. The kindness we show today can have a ripple effect that lasts far beyond our lifetimes. It creates a legacy of love and compassion that can inspire future generations to continue the practice of kindness.

Many years ago Mark Twain quipped, “Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.”

In a world that often feels divided and tumultuous, kindness is a powerful tool for creating positive change. This week be sure to show a little kindness in your daily interactions, knowing that these simple acts can transform our lives and the lives of others in profound ways.

Build Each Other Up: 10 Benefits of Encouragement

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In our challenging and fast-paced world a simple word of encouragement can be a powerful force Encouragement not only lifts spirits but also fosters an environment where individuals can thrive. I Thessalonians 5:11 urges us, “Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.”

Your simple word of encouragement can change the course of someone’s day, and in some cases, even impact the direction of their lives. Here are ten significant benefits of encouragement:

  1. Strengthens relationships. Offering encouragement can strengthen bonds between friends, family members, and colleagues. It shows that we care and are invested in the other person’s success and well-being, fostering deeper and more meaningful connections.

  2. Boosts confidence. Encouragement helps build self-esteem and confidence. When someone believes in us, it reinforces our belief in ourselves. This can lead to greater self-assurance and a willingness to take on new challenges.

  3. Enhances effectiveness. Positive reinforcement is a well-known motivator. Encouragement can significantly improve performance in both personal and professional settings. Whether it’s a pat on the back for a job well done or a pep talk before a big presentation, knowing someone is in our corner can drive us to excel.

  4. Inspires positive thinking. Encouragement cultivates a positive mindset. It shifts our focus from problems to possibilities, helping us approach situations with optimism and a can-do attitude.

  5. Nurtures resilience. Life is full of setbacks and failures. Encouragement helps build resilience, allowing us to bounce back from disappointments. It reminds us that failure is not the end, but a steppingstone to success.

  6. Promotes personal growth. Encouragement often pushes us out of our comfort zones, prompting personal growth and development. It inspires us to set higher goals, pursue new opportunities, and strive for continuous improvement.

  7. Improves mental health. Regular encouragement can have a significant impact on mental health. It reduces feelings of anxiety and depression, providing a sense of support and belonging. Knowing that someone believes in us can alleviate stress and promote emotional well-being.

  8. Fosters teamwork. In a team setting, encouragement boosts morale and builds a collaborative spirit. It helps team members feel valued and appreciated, leading to better cooperation and a more harmonious work environment.

  9. Fuels creativity. Encouragement stimulates creativity by providing a safe space for ideas to flourish. When we feel supported, we’re more likely to think outside the box and take creative risks without fear of judgment.

  10. Creates a ripple effect. Encouragement is contagious. When we receive encouragement, we’re more likely to pass it on to others. This creates a ripple effect, spreading positivity and inspiration throughout our communities.

Encouragement is a tangible expression of Christ’s love. Jesus consistently offered words of comfort, hope, and affirmation to his followers. As Jesus’ disciples, we are called to mirror that same love to others. In John 13:34-35, Jesus commands us, “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”

Through encouragement, we demonstrate the love of Christ and bear witness to his grace and compassion.

Encouragement is one important way to bring out the best in others. And when encouragment offered, it tends to build up the recipient and the benefactor.

(Barry Howard serves as the pastor at the Church at Wieuca in North Atlanta. He also serves as a leadership coach and columnist with the Center for Healthy Churches. You can follow him on Twitter at @BarrysNotes.)