Tag: mental-health

The Ongoing Challenge of Learning Contentment

On By barrysnotesLeave a comment

Of all the spiritual disciplines, I think that contentment may be the toughest to learn. The challenge is ongoing.

It isn’t that I don’t want to be content—I do. It’s that we live in a world wired to keep us restless. A consumerist economy whispers that the next upgrade, the newest version, or the latest device will finally deliver satisfaction. At the same time, my own temperament nudges me toward constant evaluation: fix what is broken, mend what is fractured, restore what has fallen apart. Those instincts aren’t wrong, but they can easily pull my soul out of rhythm.

That’s why the apostle Paul’s words feel both comforting and challenging: “I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances” (Philippians 4:11). Contentment, Paul reminds us, is something learned—not instantly acquired, not naturally absorbed, but gradually shaped through trust and practice.

G. K. Chesterton observed, “True contentment is a real, active virtue—not a passive or timid acceptance of things as they are.” His words help me remember that contentment isn’t complacency. It is the courageous decision to embrace this moment with gratitude rather than wait for the perfect one.

Many people now take pictures with their phones using filters—adjusting brightness, warmth, and contrast to create a more polished version of reality. Contentment works in the opposite direction. Instead of filtering our lives to hide imperfections, contentment allows us to see clearly, without distortion. It shifts the focus from what is missing to what is meaningful, helping us recognize beauty in what we already have.

At its core, contentment is a commitment to simplicity. It rearranges my priorities so that my mission becomes primary, and the tangible resources in my portfolio become tools rather than trophies—means rather than measurements. When I practice contentment, life no longer feels like an expanding inventory but an emerging story.

Something transformative happens in that shift. Relationships rise to the forefront, while possessions return to their rightful place. People become essential; stuff becomes expendable. My life becomes more like a conduit than a reservoir—a channel through which blessings flow freely into the lives of others, not a storage unit where blessings are archived, counted, and guarded.

To live with contentment, I must return again and again to one foundational truth: my self-worth is neither inflated nor deflated by my net worth. My value does not hinge on what I own, what I accomplish, or what others think of me. My identity is rooted in something deeper and more enduring—worth that was instilled and endowed by my Creator.

Contentment, then, is not resignation. It is not passive acceptance. It is the steady confidence that God’s grace is sufficient in this moment, this season, this chapter—whatever it may hold. It is the quiet courage to trust that I already have what I need to live gratefully and faithfully today.

I’m still learning this discipline. Perhaps you are, too. But each day offers a new lesson, a fresh reminder, and a renewed opportunity to loosen our grip on accumulation and tighten our embrace of gratitude.

Comfort and Joy: Navigating Grief During the Holidays (2025)

On By barrysnotesLeave a comment

The holidays arrive each year wrapped in ribbons of nostalgia, music, gatherings, and celebration. But for those who are grieving, this season can feel less like “the most wonderful time of the year” and more like an emotional obstacle course. Bright lights can intensify the shadows. Joyful songs can amplify the silence. Festive moments can sharpen the memory of the one who is no longer with us.

Grief is never easy, but during the holidays it can feel heavier, louder, and more relentless. According to the American Psychological Association, 38% of adults say their stress increases significantly during the holiday season, and those who are grieving report even higher spikes. Our senses, emotions, and memories all operate on high alert this time of year, which makes grief more vivid and unavoidable.

Author Alan Wolfelt reminds us, “Healing happens when we allow ourselves to mourn.” Not repress. Not deny. Not avoid. Not power through. Allow.

So what can help us navigate the holidays when our hearts are hurting?

Here are a few practices that offer hope, clarity, and gentle strength along the way.

  • Tend your emotional landscape.

Pretending everything is fine rarely helps. Repressed grief doesn’t disappear; it simply finds another way to surface. In fact, mental health research shows that unaddressed grief can increase the risk of depression, anxiety, and physical illness.

Healthy grieving begins with honest naming: “This is hard. This hurts. This season is different.”

Give yourself permission to feel whatever you feel—whether that’s sadness, numbness, gratitude, anger, or even surprise moments of joy.

  • Think of your grief like a holiday “app update.”

Your smart device doesn’t operate the same way after a major software update. Familiar screens move. Icons shift. Some features no longer exist. Others appear for the first time.

Grief works similarly. The internal operating system of your life has changed, and the holidays—full of rituals and memories—highlight that change.

Be patient as you give yourself time to adjust to this “new version” of life.

  • Let memories be a bridge, not a burden.

Tell the stories. Look at the photos. Cook the favorite recipe. Share the funny moments.
Memories don’t have to reopen wounds—they can help stitch them. Storytelling is both therapeutic and sacred; it transforms absence into presence, even if just for a moment.

As one writer noted, “Grief is love with no place to go.” The holidays give that love a place to land.

  • Create new rituals of commemoration.

Hang an ornament that honors your loved one. Set aside a moment at dinner to light a candle in their memory. Donate to a cause they cared about.

Even a small ritual can become a lifeline—something that grounds you, centers you, and reminds you that love doesn’t end.

  • Don’t walk the holiday journey alone.

Isolation intensifies grief. Community softens it.

Protect your alone time. Be faithful to your quiet time. But be intentional about spending time with friends, even if at first you don’t feel like it. Attend a Blue Christmas service. Gather with people who understand.

The National Alliance on Mental Illness reports that supportive social connection significantly reduces the emotional burden of grief, especially this time of year.

Don’t force yourself to be overly cheerful. Just being with a small group of friends who care about you, and whom you care about, can be like a soothing ointment for your soul.

  • Make room for both grief and grace.

The goal is not to “get over” grief before the holidays arrive—it’s to make space for grief and grace to coexist.

Your grief isn’t going away anytime soon. And griefs tends to be a more frequent guest during the holidays. Some moments will sting. Others will surprise you with peace.
Let both be welcome.

In the words of Henri Nouwen: “Joy does not simply happen to us. We have to choose joy and keep choosing it every day.”
Even in grief, joy can appear in tender, quiet moments—unexpected, but real.

  • Let the Light be your guide, especially in your dark moments.

Yes, people of grounded faith can be shaken, even overwhelmed at times, by the deep darkness of grief. Although the holiday season doesn’t erase grief, the Light of Christ can illuminate a path through it.

This year, as you navigate the mix of sorrow and celebration, remember:
You are not weak because you grieve.
You are not alone because you hurt.
And you are not without hope.

The message of this season—Emmanuel, “God with us”—is especially for the weary, the wounded, and the grieving.

May you find moments of calm, courage, and comfort. And may the Light shine gently on your path, even in the lingering shadows.

Gratitude Can Upgrade Your Attitude

On By barrysnotesLeave a comment

Do you need an attitude adjustment? As we navigate the uncertainty and anxiety of living in a polarized culture, it is possible for our attitude to get so significantly out of alignment with our faith and values that we need more than an attitude adjustment. We may need an extreme makeover.

Gratitude is more than a polite habit or a holiday theme—it is a transformative force that recalibrates the way we see the world. As the poet Ralph Waldo Emerson once wrote, “Cultivate the habit of being grateful for every good thing that comes to you, and give thanks continuously.” Gratitude doesn’t just decorate life; it upgrades it.

Think about the way our smart devices regularly ask for software updates. Whether we accept them or avoid them, those updates are designed to stabilize the system, fix hidden issues, and improve overall performance. In a similar way, practicing gratitude is like installing an internal “attitude update.” It doesn’t change all our circumstances, but it changes the way we engage them. Gratitude strengthens the emotional operating system that carries us through the day.

During the dark winter at Valley Forge in 1777, General George Washington encouraged his weary troops not simply by calling them to endure hardship, but by helping them reflect on what they were fighting for. That shift—from hardship to meaning—sparked renewed resolve. Gratitude for a higher purpose sustained them when supplies were limited and conditions were brutal. Their circumstances didn’t change overnight, but their attitude toward them did.

Modern psychology confirms what wisdom and faith traditions have taught for centuries. In his groundbreaking research at the University of California–Davis, Dr. Robert Emmons found that individuals who practice gratitude—especially through habits like journaling—experience noticeable emotional, physical, and relational benefits. Participants who regularly reflected on what they were thankful for reported fewer illness symptoms, increased optimism, stronger immune responses, and greater overall life satisfaction. Gratitude, in other words, literally upgrades the mind and body.

Gratitude can totally reshape our attitude.

Even in the daily grind, we see gratitude driving resilience. A young professional recently shared how her morning practice of listing three things she was thankful for—even on difficult days—helped her push through burnout, manage workplace stress, and regain clarity in her relationships. She said, “I didn’t change my job. Gratitude changed me.”

Gratitude does not deny hardships, erase grief, or eliminate challenges. But it reframes our experience of them. It shifts our focus from what is missing to what is present, from scarcity to abundance, from complaint to contentment. And over time, it transforms us—quietly, steadily, faithfully—from the inside out.

With good reason, Scripture encourages us to “give thanks in all circumstances.” Gratitude is not merely a mood. It is a spiritual discipline, a psychological booster, and a daily choice that enriches our lives far beyond the holiday table.

When we practice gratitude consistently, we don’t just feel better—we become better. A more enjoyable friend. A more appreciated colleague. A more pleasant neighbor. A better human being.

Years ago, at a Baptist Student Union event, minister and humorist, Grady Nutt, challenged us to live with “an attitude of gratitude.” At that time, I began to see the correlation between attitude and gratitude.

Now, across several years of serving as a pastor, I have observed firsthand the transformative impact of gratitude.

Is your attitude due for an upgrade?

Life Is Short: 7 Reasons to Receive Each Day As a Gift

On By barrysnotesLeave a comment

The famous evangelist Billy Graham confessed, “The greatest surprise in life to me is the brevity of life.”

We’ve all heard the phrase, “Life is short.” It’s often said in passing—when we lose someone too soon, when a moment takes our breath away, or when we’re reminded how fast the years fly by. But what if we took that phrase to heart? What if we allowed it to shape the way we think, speak, love, serve, and live?

Here are seven reasons to live each day as a sacred and fleeting gift:

1. Time is a non-renewable resource.

Unlike money, time cannot be earned back or saved up. Every sunrise is a once-in-a-lifetime event. Each conversation, each quiet moment, each new opportunity is here now—and may never come again.

2. Today presents opportunities to grow.

Each day brings lessons, challenges, and opportunities for growth. We’re not the same people we were yesterday. Receive today as a gradual and progressive step forward in your becoming—a place where faith can deepen and character can stretch.

3. Lighten the load someone else is carrying.

When we live with compassion and kindness, we become part of someone else’s healing. A smile, a kind gesture, or an encouraging word may seem ordinary to you but can be life-giving to someone else. Phillips Brooks urged, “Be patient and understanding. Life is too short to be vengeful or malicious.”

4. Joy is often hidden in the present moment.

When we stop chasing “someday” and start noticing “today,” we discover beauty in the now. The warmth of coffee, the sound of laughter, the beauty of a landscape, the encouragement of a friend—these are the moments that quietly nourish the soul.

5. Gratitude changes our perspective.

When we live with the mindset that each day is a gift, we begin to see more gifts in our days. Gratitude doesn’t change our circumstances—it transforms our perspective. And that shift is powerful.

6. Regret is too heavy to lug around.

The weight of “I wish I had…” can be heavy. But when we live intentionally—speaking our hearts, showing up for others, and taking courageous steps—we reduce the space for regret and make room for peace.

7. Today is the only day you are promised.

Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow isn’t guaranteed. All we truly have is today—this moment, this breath, this chance. Don’t wait for all the stars to align in your favor to start living fully. Begin now.

Annie Dillard reminds us, “How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.”

Life is short—a sacred breath between dust and eternity. So love deeply, forgive freely, walk humbly, and live each day as a precious gift not to be wasted.

Let’s not just say life is short—let’s embrace today and live life to the fullest.

Come Monday: Finding Community in a Culture of Loneliness

On By barrysnotesLeave a comment

“Come Monday, it’ll be all right/Come Monday, I’ll be holding you tight…” 

Those lyrics from Jimmy Buffett’s wistful ballad echo with a hope many of us carry. The song speaks of longing and loneliness, of waiting for that moment when things feel okay again—when presence replaces absence, and connection returns.

Believe it or not, Scripture echoes similar feelings. In Psalm 25:16, David writes,“Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted.”

The mighty warrior and beloved leader knew what loneliness felt like. And he had the courage to say it out loud.

Mother Teresa insisted, “The most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling of being unloved.”

In the spring of 2023, U.S. surgeon general Vivek Murthy placed a spotlight on America’s problem with loneliness when he declared the issue an epidemic.

In a recent Harvard study, 21% of those surveyed indicated they had serious feelings of loneliness.

Loneliness affects all ages. The Harvard study indicated widespread loneliness, especially among younger adults:

  • People between 30-44 years of age were the loneliest group — 29% of people in this age range said they were “frequently” or “always” lonely
  • Among 18–29-year-olds — the rate was 24%
  • For 45–64-year-olds, the rate was 20%
  • Adults aged 65 and older reported the lowest rate: 10% felt lonely

Loneliness Is Real—Even in a Crowded World

We live in a hyper-connected culture. Our phones buzz with messages, notifications, and endless content. But despite the noise, many people quietly struggle with a deep sense of disconnection.

You don’t have to be alone to feel lonely. It’s not about how many people are around you. It’s about whether anyone really sees you, knows you, or understands what you’re going through.

Loneliness can come in many forms: grief, life transitions, emotional exhaustion, or even just the slow drift away from relationships that once felt close. And it’s something that affects all ages, backgrounds, and life stages.

God Meets Us in Our Loneliness

When David cried out to God in Psalm 25, he wasn’t looking for a quick fix—he was seeking a Presence that could hold the weight of his heart.

“Relieve the troubles of my heart and free me from my anguish.” (v. 17)

In our loneliest moments, God doesn’t pull away. God draws near. The Bible reminds us again and again that the Lord is close to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18), that God is a refuge for the weary, and that God’s companionship is steady—even when human company isn’t.

And here’s the beautiful irony: naming our loneliness is often the first step toward overcoming it. David didn’t pretend. He openly sought God’s comfort and grace for his troubled spirit and his feelings of aloneness.

We Were Made for Connection

While God is with us in solitude, God also created us for community. From the very beginning, God said, “It is not good for man to be alone.” (Genesis 2:18)

That’s not just about marriage or friendship—it’s about belonging. And that’s what the Church is called to be: a place of welcome, honesty, and presence.

The early church wasn’t built on flashy programs or fancy buildings. It was built on people sharing life—breaking bread, praying, carrying one another’s burdens (Galatians 6:2). And that’s still the vision today.

So here’s the question: Are we building that kind of community in our churches, small groups, neighborhoods, and homes? Are we noticing the ones who might be quietly hurting?

Sometimes healing starts with a text. A coffee. A simple, “Hey, how are you—really?”

Serve Others. That’s a Great Place to Discover Community.

It might sound counterintuitive, but one of the most powerful ways to overcome loneliness is to look outward. When we serve others—when we step into someone else’s world—we often find healing for our own hearts.

Volunteering. Showing up for someone. Encouraging a neighbor. These small acts become lifelines, not just for them, but for us. They remind us that we’re still part of something bigger than ourselves.

In serving, we move from feeling invisible to feeling useful. We rediscover joy. And we start to experience what David prayed for—freedom from anguish, connection to something real, and hope for the days ahead.

“Come Monday, it’ll be all right,” Buffett sang. David, too, clung to hope in his song:

“My hope, Lord, is in you.” (Psalm 25:21)

Loneliness may visit, but it doesn’t have to stay. Community, companionships, and collegiality are blessings that have to be cultivated and nurtured.

Albert Einstein once said, “Although I am a typical loner in my daily life, my awareness of belonging to the invisible community of those who strive for truth, beauty, and justice has prevented me from feelings of isolation.”

What if we could help others find that same invisible community—and make it visible?

We can’t solve loneliness overnight. But we can foster healthy connections. We can be a friend to others. We can ask for help when needed. We can build a spirit of community. And we can nurture and grow in our relationship with God.

(This is an updated version of a sermon presented at the First Baptist Church of Pensacola in 2007 during our spring series “Changes in Latitude.”)

Honest Conversations About Grief: 7 Suggestions for Navigating the Emotions Associated with Loss

On By barrysnotesLeave a comment

Grief is an inevitable part of the human experience—an emotional upheaval that accompanies loss. Whether it’s the passing of a loved one, the end of a cherished relationship, or the loss of a job or a dream, grief takes many forms throughout our lives. As Orson Scott Card observes, “Life is full of grief, to exactly the degree we allow ourselves to love other people.”

Although grief is a universal emotion, it remains one of the most difficult to discuss. In a culture that often avoids uncomfortable topics, honest conversations about grief are vital. They help foster healing, build understanding, and provide comfort to those navigating the depths of sorrow.

Grief is multifaceted and deeply personal. It can be unpredictable, chaotic, and different for each person. That’s why it’s important to remember: there is no “right” way to grieve.

Some experience intense emotions immediately; others need more time to process. There is no timetable for healing, and individuals should feel free to grieve at their own pace—without judgment or pressure.

Draw on the Strength of Faith and Community

Faith does not exempt us from grief, but it can equip us to grieve in healthy, hope-filled ways. A supportive faith community can offer comfort, presence, and a reminder that we do not walk this path alone. For those without a faith foundation or a circle of support, grief can feel especially devastating.

Acknowledge Your Grief

Don’t bottle it up or push it aside. Our society often suggests that grief should be handled privately, behind closed doors. This mindset can isolate the grieving, leaving them feeling alone and reluctant to seek help. Open dialogue is essential.

As Richard Rohr wisely says, “You cannot heal what you do not acknowledge, and what you do not consciously acknowledge will remain in control of you from within, festering and destroying you and those around you.”

Maintain an Attitude of Empathy and Respect

Empathy is the key to honest conversations about grief. It allows us to acknowledge another’s pain without trying to fix it or explain it away. Grief can feel overwhelming, and sometimes, the most helpful response is simply listening.

Avoid clichés and platitudes. While well-intended, phrases like “time heals all wounds” or “they’re in a better place” can minimize the person’s pain. A sincere “I’m here for you” or the gift of quiet presence often speaks more powerfully.

Give Yourself and Others the Grace and Space to Grieve

One of the greatest gifts we can give someone who is grieving is the grace to grieve in their own way and the space to express it freely. Safe spaces—whether in support groups, counseling settings, or among friends and family—allow individuals to share their grief without fear of criticism or dismissal.

Help Destigmatize Grief

Societal expectations to “stay strong” or “move on” can stigmatize grief, making people feel ashamed of their pain. Honest conversations help dismantle these barriers, reassuring the grieving that they are not alone.

Encourage Professional Support When Needed

While the support of friends and family is crucial, some may need professional guidance to process their grief. Gentle encouragement toward counseling or therapy can be part of a healthy response to grief. Trained professionals can offer tools and perspective to help navigate loss.

Offer Support—Not Fixes

Supporting someone in grief isn’t about offering advice or solutions. It’s about being a steady, compassionate presence. Here are a few practical ways to support someone:

  • Be present: Simply showing up and staying nearby, even in silence, can provide great comfort.
  • Listen actively: Give them space to share memories, emotions, and struggles without interruption.
  • Validate their feelings: Let them know their emotions are normal and that it’s okay to grieve.
  • Offer practical help: Grief can be exhausting. Small acts of service—like preparing a meal or running errands—can ease the burden.
  • Respect the journey: Everyone grieves differently. Avoid imposing timelines or expectations.

Honest conversations about grief are crucial for healing. When we create safe, empathetic spaces for others to speak openly about their pain, we help dispel the stigma around grieving and foster a more supportive, compassionate community.

As Sarah Bessen writes, “Grief can be a burden, but also an anchor. You get used to the weight, how it holds you in place.” Healthy grief doesn’t erase the pain—but over time, it can ground us, gradually guiding us from emotional upheaval toward a place of greater stability.

(Barry Howard is a retired pastor who currently serves as a leadership coach and columnist with the Center for Healthy Churches.)

(Updated column from 2023)

Navigating Life on the Island of Misfit Toys: 7 Ways to Deal with Loneliness at Christmas

On By barrysnotesLeave a comment

For those of us who grew up watching Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, the Island of Misfit Toys has become a symbol of being different, overlooked, or left out. Although the toys were not broken, they were misunderstood and longing for a place where they belonged.

For many individuals, the holidays can feel like that island—a season where everyone else seems to have a place, a purpose, and people to share it with, while loneliness leaves us feeling adrift. In a recent Harvard study, 21 percent of adults indicated they have experienced serious feelings of loneliness.

If you’re feeling like life on the “island” is your reality this Christmas, take heart. Loneliness, though difficult, does not have the final word. Here are some ways to find meaning, connection, and even joy during the holidays, no matter your circumstances:

1. Own your uniqueness. On Rudolph’s journey, Charlie-in-the-Box insisted, “Being a misfit means that you are special. Embrace your uniqueness and celebrate who you are.” Loneliness can stem from feeling out of place or like you don’t measure up to others’ holiday experiences. But the beauty of Christmas is that God didn’t choose perfection to carry out his plan. God chose a humble manger, ordinary shepherds, and a small, overlooked town. Lean into who you are, and remember that you are uniquely and wonderfully made.

2. Come to terms with your feelings. It’s okay to admit that the holidays are hard. Whether you’re grieving a loss, facing a season of change, or simply feeling the ache of solitude, naming those emotions can be a powerful first step toward healing. Even Jesus experienced loneliness and sorrow. He knows your pain and he is near to you, offering comfort and peace.

3. Look for fellow “misfits.” The Misfit Toys didn’t stay isolated. They found each other. Seek out others who may also feel disconnected during this season. Attend a community event, reach out to a friend, or visit a local church. Many people long for connection but don’t know how to take the first step. Your initiative could be a gift not only to you but to someone else.

4. Find joy in serving. One of the most powerful antidotes to loneliness is serving others. Volunteer at a shelter, bake cookies for your neighbors, or send handwritten notes to people who might also be feeling alone. When we shift our focus outward, we often discover new connections and purpose in the process.

5. Lean into the Christmas story. At its core, Christmas is not about parties, gifts, or picture-perfect moments. The Christmas story is about God stepping into our messy, lonely world to be with us. The birth of Christ is a profound reminder that we are never truly alone. Emmanuel, “God with us,” means God is present in your quiet moments, your tears, your laughter, your challenges, and your joys.

6. Create your own traditions. If old traditions bring more pain than joy, don’t be afraid to start new ones. Hermey the Elf advises, “Follow your passion and dreams, even if they don’t fit into the mold. Be true to yourself and find joy in pursuing what you love.” Write a poem, start a jigsaw puzzle, try the new recipe, dance by the light of the tree, or take a peaceful walk under the stars. Simple, meaningful actions can help you reclaim the season.

7. Give yourself the gift of grace. It’s okay to feel lonely, and it’s normal to experience melancholy during the holidays. Don’t be too hard on yourself if your emotions feel a little chaotic. The first Christmas night wasn’t filled with jubilant celebration but with quiet humility. Let yourself rest in the peace of the season, know that your self-worth isn’t determined by how festive you feel.

The story of the Misfit Toys didn’t end with them being forgotten. Rudolph and his friends ensured they were found, loved, and given purpose. Christmas is a reminder that we are never truly left behind. God sees us, loves us, and has a purpose for us—even when at times we feel like misfits.

Dare to step outside your comfort zone this Christmas. As Yukon Cornelius wisely observes, “Adventure awaits those who are willing to take risks. Embrace the unknown and discover the wonders of the world.”

(Barry Howard is a retired pastor who serves as a leadership coach and columnist with the Center for Healthy Churches. He and his wife reside on Cove Creek in northeast Alabama.)

When the Holidays Hurt: Navigating Grief During a Season of Joy

On By barrysnotesLeave a comment

The holiday season is often described as “the most wonderful time of the year.” It’s a time for festive décor, family gatherings, and joyful celebrations. But for those who are grieving, this season can feel like a sharp reminder of what–or who–is missing. The colorful lights, cheerful music, and holiday gatherings can be bittersweet, amplifying the ache of loss.

Grief is challenging to deal with at any time of the year, but during the holidays, grief can be deeper, darker, and more unpredictable than at other times. Why does grief seem to turn up the volume during the holiday season?

I think there are at least three reasons that grief is more amplified from Thanksgiving through Christmas. First, the nostalgia surrounding the holidays and other special occasions prompts us to recall memories more readily. Second, these events tend to frame the absence of our loved ones. For example, a chair that was occupied at the family table may be vacant this year. And third, we tend to be more emotive during the holidays. Our sensory capacity is thrust into high gear.

Richard Kauffman suggests, “There is no right or wrong way to handle the holidays. You are in complete control of your plans as to what you will do during this time of the year.”

Since grief is more pronounced during the holiday season, how can we best deal with it? Too often our human tendency is to repress grief under the guise of being strong. However, repressed grief becomes toxic and can lead to depression or illness. It’s better to confront grief head-on. Here are ten helpful ways to navigate holiday grief:

  • Proactively prepare for holiday grief. Don’t avoid it or deny it. Engage it. The best therapy for grief is to grieve. Give yourself permission to feel your emotions, whether it’s sadness, anger, or even moments of unexpected joy. Ignoring grief won’t make it go away, but naming it can help you process it.
  • Do a soft re-set on your holiday traditions. Determine which traditions to keep and which to eliminate. And start at least one new tradition. Since grief has a way of reconfiguring life, relationships, and family, embrace a new configuration by beginning at least one new tradition.
  • Highlight a favorite event or experience of your loved one. Choose something that was a favorite food, game, song, or activity of your departed loved one, and find a way to highlight it during the holidays. For example, if they loved driving around to see Christmas lights, do it this year in memory of them. If they loved coconut cake, make one and have everyone try a bite.
  • Be creative in “work arounds.” Let’s say that Grandpa always read the Christmas story after dinner from his recliner. It may be too emotional for the family to have someone else read the Christmas story from Grandpa’s recliner. Consider having one or more of the grandchildren read the Christmas story before dinner around the dinner table.
  • Plan a strategic holiday memorial gift. For example, if Grandma was in a mission group and supported the Christmas Mission Offering, plan for the family to each give a gift to the mission offering in her memory. If Grandpa served on the Properties Committee at church, consider a gift toward campus improvement in his memory. Plan the gift to correspond to one of the passions of your departed loved one.
  • Tell lots of stories. For years I’ve encouraged families to continue “to treasure the memories and tell the stories” as a way to process grief. Stories are therapeutic, for sure. But they are also formational and nurturing. One reason genealogies are included in the Bible is because stories of our ancestors help shape our identities.
  • Write a letter to your departed loved one. In the letter tell them what you are feeling during the holidays. Then read the letter aloud as though the departed friend or family member is in the room with you. We think and we speak with different sides of the brain. To reflect, write, and then speak what you have written is healthier and more holistic than simply writing it down. It’s your choice whether to keep the letter confidential or to share it with other family members.
  • Continue the conversation. Most of us tend to continue an internal dialogue with our departed loved ones after they are gone. Sometimes it involves a gut-wrenching confession such as, “Daddy, there are so many things I wish I had told you.” Much of the time it is something as simple as, “I sure do miss you.” And of course, such a dialogue may include good humor such as, “The lights at the top of the tree have gone out again, and I suspect you may have had something to do with that.” It is important during the holidays to keep the conversation going, and maybe even rev it up a bit.
  • Designate moments for quiet and solitude. Be careful not to withdraw into a cocoon of isolation. But likewise, be careful not to bury your grief in a flurry of holiday events and activities.
  • Participate in holiday services at your church. The Christmas story itself is one of hope born in the midst of hardship. The birth of Christ is a reminder that God is with us, even in our darkest times. Emmanuel–“God with us”–is a powerful promise for those who are grieving. Lean into the deeper meaning of the season, finding comfort in the assurance that God understands your sorrow and walks with you through it.

Healthy expressions of grief include finding the right balance of tears and laughter, of connecting and disconnecting, and of lamentation and celebration. And remember, not every member of the family grieves in the same way or at the same pace. Allow space for family members to grieve in their own way.

There’s no doubt the weight of grief can be heavier during the holidays. But the holidays also present great opportunities for finding positive and proactive ways to deal with your grief.

Dr. Alan Wolfelt cautions, “Don’t assume that your holidays will be totally miserable this year. Yes, if you are actively mourning, you will experience pain and sadness. But if you spend time in the company of people you love, you may also experience moments of great joy and hope.”

Grieving during the holidays is never easy, but it’s a journey you don’t have to walk alone. Be gentle with yourself, embrace the support of others, and look for ways to honor both your grief and the hope of the season. Even in a time of sorrow, there is room for moments of hope, peace, joy, and love.

This year, as you navigate the holidays, you may discover that you can experience grief and hope simultaneously, and that the light of Christ shines brightest in our seasons of darkness.

(Barry Howard is a retired pastor who currently serves as a leadership coach and columnist with the Center for Healthy Churches. He and his wife reside on Cove Creek in northeast Alabama.)