Many of us will be privileged to gather on Thanksgiving Day with family and friends to enjoy a bountiful feast and hearty conversations around the table. As one of our treasured holidays, Thanksgiving is a day set aside, not only to give thanks, but to rekindle in us a spirit of gratitude. In I Thessalonians 5:16-18, Paul encourages believers to “Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances: for this is God will for you in Christ Jesus.”

During my college years, my faith was heavily influenced by a little book entitled, Agaperos, written by Grady Nutt. In that book, as in his sermons, Grady underscored the importance of choosing “an attitude of gratitude.”

Experiencing and expressing gratitude throughout the ever-changing seasons of life has a way of re-shaping our perspective and re-formatting our attitude.

Elie Wiesel suggested: “When a person doesn’t have gratitude, something is missing in his or her humanity. A person can almost be defined by his or her attitude toward gratitude.”

In my journey of faith, I am discovering that a disposition of gratitude enriches life in several ways.

Gratitude encourages me and others around me.  When I am frustrated and tend to see the glass half empty rather than half full, I find that the practice of “counting my blessings” infuses me with encouragement, which spills over into the lives of others. Gratitude has a way of refocusing my attention on the positive and reminding me of how blessed I am.

Gratitude also promotes good health. While gratitude does not bring instantaneous healing or make us immune from viruses or exempt from accidents, a heart of gratitude promotes spiritual, emotional, and physical health in at least a couple of ways. First, gratitude serves as the antidote for toxic negativity and complaint, cleansing our perspective and renewing our focus. And second, gratitude seems to put us in a positive frame of mind which allows our body to better produce and release antibodies and restorative enzymes that work to promote health and wholeness.

A study of the psychology of gratitude is found in Robert Emmons’ book, Thanks!: How the New Science of Gratitude Can Make You Happier. In his research at the University of California-Berkeley, Dr. Emmons found that those who practice grateful thinking “reap emotional, physical and interpersonal benefits.” The study revealed that individuals who regularly keep a gratitude journal report fewer illness symptoms, generally feel better about their lives as a whole and are more optimistic about the future. Emmons concluded that gratitude is both a personal choice and healthy response to our life experiences.

Gratitude ultimately inspires me to serve. Gratitude is not about counting my blessings just to make me a happier consumer. Genuine gratitude motivates me to share my blessings. For me, the quality of life is best measured not by how much I have but byhow effectively I use resources I have been given to serve. Those who serve out of guilt serve for a short while. Those who serve out of gratitude serve for a lifetime.

Choosing an attitude of gratitude is a daily discipline that enriches life. Henri Nouwen wrote: “The discipline of gratitude is the explicit effort to acknowledge that all I am and have is given to me as a gift of love, a gift to be celebrated with joy.”

With good reason, 1 Thessalonians 5:18 encourages us to “give thanks in all circumstances.” Although we do not always get to choose our circumstances, we can always choose our attitude. Not just today, but every day, cultivate an attitude of gratitude.

(Barry Howard serves as the pastor of the Church at Wieuca in North Atlanta. He also serves as a leadership coach and columnist for the Center for Healthy Churches. He and his wife, Amanda, reside in Brookhaven, Georgia.)

Philosopher Eric Hoffer once suggested, “The hardest arithmetic to master is that which enables us to count our blessings.”

I grew up in church singing the beloved hymn by Johnson Oatman, Jr., “Count Your Blessings.” What is a blessing? And when you “name them one by one,” what do you name?

In my early years, I thought a blessing was something to enjoy or consume, like a new toy under the Christmas tree or my grandparents taking me to my favorite restaurant.

As I’ve grown older and hopefully a little wiser, I understand blessings to be less consumer-centric and more life-giving, more oriented toward the common good. The dictionary defines a blessing as “God’s favor and protection.” That’s not necessarily wrong. The definition is just not big enough. Blessings run deeper.

When some individuals say, “I am blessed,” the statement seems to be a humble brag or mere religious jargon. There are other times when we or others realize we are blessed, and that affirmation emerges from a growing self-awareness or epiphanic realization of our endowment.

Thanksgiving is just around the corner. As we prepare to give thanks, here are seven reflections to help us inventory our blessings:

• Blessings come in a variety of shapes and sizes. Blessings may be large or small, simple or complex, singular or plural, short-term or long-term, material or spiritual.

• To be blessed is to be endowed with a gift or resource. That resource may take the form of a capacity, a potential, an opportunity, or a sphere of influence. To say that we have been blessed is to confirm we have been equipped or empowered to do something good or something meaningful.

• Blessings are usually conveyed to us or affirmed in us via human messengers. Our blessings may originate in the heart of God, but they are most often delivered or awakened by individuals who may or may not be aware of the gift they transport.
  
  
• A blessing may be tangible or intangible. Our car, a tangible asset, is a blessing that gives us the capacity for transportation. Our spiritual gifts, intangible assets, give us the capacity to serve.
  
  
• We are blessed so that we may be a blessing. We are designed as conduits through which our blessings are to be shared, not reservoirs in which our blessings are stored. Blessings are like manna. When they are unused, they spoil.
  
  
• Neglected or misappropriated blessings may become burdens. For example, a nice house can be a blessing when it is used to nurture relationships, provide safety, host friends, and offer hospitality. However, a nice house can also become a burden that imprisons us in debt, loneliness, or despair when our priorities are misaligned.
  
  
• Blessings are not always easily recognized and ready to use. Blessings do not usually glitter like gold. Janette Oke suggests, “Blessings sometimes show up in unrecognizable disguises.” Sometimes blessings, like products from Ikea, arrive with “assembly required.”

When you count your blessings, don’t just name the possessions you have acquired or accumulated. Name the life-giving resources and relationships that give meaning and purpose to your existence.

Someone once said, “Don’t just count your blessings. Be the blessing others count on.”

(Barry Howard serves as pastor of the Church at Wieuca in North Atlanta. He also serves as a leadership coach and columnist with the Center for Healthy Churches. He and his wife, Amanda, live in Brookhaven, Georgia.)

I had the privilege of spending a part of my summer sabbatical in Europe in 2012.

Just before beginning a summer term at Oxford University, I visited several historic sites from the ancient Roman Empire, trying to brush up on my knowledge of the history of Western Civilization. Just to make a full disclosure, the only “D” I made in college was in the “HY101: A History of Western Civilization.” And I’ve been trying to improve my understanding of that part of the world ever since.

Our group tour started in Istanbul, Turkey, continued through the Greek isles, and culminated in Athens, Greece. We visited three of the sites of Wonders of the Ancient World: The Temple of Diana, the Colossus of Rhodes, and the Mausoleum.

We saw monuments and statues with tributes to the provincial governors and to one of the many Caesars. After dinner each evening, I would try to catch up on the news of the day by watching BBC or reading an online paper from the U.S.

Reading about Caesar by day and the upcoming U.S. election by night, the simple but daunting reality dawned upon me: citizens in the ancient Roman world had no voice in choosing their governmental leaders, but the U.S. does, and that is still a rare and treasured privilege, even in today’s world.

Only a small percentage of the world’s population has ever had a voice in choosing government officials. Even today when more nations than ever enjoy some form of democracy, only a fraction of the world’s citizens have any say in choosing their elected leaders.

How would life have been different if citizens in the ancient Roman Empire had been given the opportunity to vote on their government leaders?

In a crucial election year, characterized by inflammatory rhetoric and partisan polarities, it’s important to remember that choosing leaders by “voting your conscience and conviction” is a privilege and a responsibility.

I returned home from my summer travels that year with a greater awareness of my national and spiritual heritage, and a greater appreciation for our many freedoms. 

However, as a pastor and as a citizen of these United States, this year I am weary of partisan propaganda-driven politics by both major parties. I am disturbed by the rumormongering, name-calling, and conspiracy theories that are “shared” via social media, blogs, and emails. 

And I am bothered that many in the name of faith are attacking the personal character and the religion of candidates they have never met, all the while avoiding serious dialogue about the most pressing issues of our day.

Maybe more of our time and conversation should be aimed at developing constructive and rational strategies for addressing our national and global challenges.

As the election approaches, here are four ways we can exercise responsible citizenship in times like these, regardless of our party affiliation or religious conviction:

• Do your homework. Research the candidates and amendments. Do the hard work of wading through the propaganda. Don’t let anyone else tell you how to vote…not your mother, not your father, not your favorite superstar, and certainly not your preacher.
  
  
• Practice civil discourse. Elections are a time to speak your conscience, vote your conviction, and engage in civil discourse. Evaluating and critiquing the issues is much harder work than assailing and attacking a candidate. Dialogue with trusted friends about the pros and cons of a candidate’s track record, leadership style, and long-term vision is constructive. Spouting personal attacks is immature and childish, and it diminishes the electoral process.
  
  
• Vote for your preferred candidate.  Discern and determine which candidate best represents your values and your vision, and then cast your ballot. Do not be deterred or dissuaded by polls that talk about which candidate is leading on a given day. The election is not complete until your vote is cast. Realize that neither candidate is the devil or the messiah, and that each candidate’s position has strengths and weaknesses. Running for public office is demanding and exhausting. Be grateful for those who are willing to run, even those with whom you disagree. It is difficult for those of us who have never campaigned to identify with the personal toll that is exacted on a candidate and his or her family.
  
  
• Pray for whoever is elected. On the morning after the election, someone will win and someone will lose. As a person who is learning to walk by faith, I am convinced that we need to pray for whoever is elected, whether they are my candidate of choice or not.  In a partisan culture, I find it troubling that often the losing party declares that their mission is to defeat the elected candidate by subverting all attempts at his or her successful leadership. After all, the person who is elected will soon discover that the job requires more than a campaign slogan. I find the words from I Timothy 2:1-3 to be relevant to the way we respond to our elected leadership: “I urge, then, first of all, that requests, prayers, intercession and thanksgiving be made for everyone—for kings and all those in authority, that we may live peaceful and quiet lives in all godliness and holiness. This is good, and pleases God our Savior.”

Yes, we do live in uniquely perilous times. However, the major dilemmas our country faces were not created by leaders of one party but by both. The resolution and resolve to correct our course will not be provided by one party or one leader, but by courageous, visionary leaders and responsible citizens from across all party lines.

The upcoming election is important but the election itself will not repair the state of the union, no matter which candidate is chosen. 

My Bible does not say, “If my people who are called by my name shall elect the right candidate, I will heal their land.” 

The Bible does say rather emphatically that, “If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land.” (II Chronicles 7:14)

If as followers of Jesus we began heeding these powerful words, we could ignite in our country a movement toward real recovery.

(Barry Howard serves at pastor of the Church at Wieuca in North Atlanta. He also serves as a leadership coach and columnist for the Center for Healthy Churches.)

In her book, Plan B: Further Thoughts on Faith, Anne Lamott suggests, “A good marriage is where both people feel like they’re getting the better end of the deal.” 

However, I can readily identify with Winston Churchill’s assessment: “My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me.”

Amanda and I celebrated our 37^th wedding anniversary on Sept 7. We were married in 1985 at the Post Oak Springs Baptist Church near Jacksonville, Alabama, her home church and my first pastorate. Since that time our journey together across these 37 years has been quite an adventure with lots of unexpected twists and turns, a journey that has enabled us to learn and grow, and to forge a remarkable number of treasured friendships along the way.

After a reception in the Fellowship Hall, we departed for our honeymoon and the real work of marriage began. Even for a pastor and spouse, the merging of two lives is never easy and is often messy. Amanda and I have tasted both the “for better and for worse” experiences of life, and our relationship has grown stronger and more durable as we have confronted obstacles and embraced opportunities.

Marriage is perhaps the most unique of all human relationships. The privilege of partnering with one person for life is a blessing and a challenge. But for the pastor’s family, I think the stressors are specific and peculiar. While every marriage has its challenges, a pastor’s marriage is lived out in a distinct context.

According to research released in 2017 by the Barna Group, most pastors—96 percent of whom are married—are satisfied with their spousal relationship. Seven out of 10 say it is excellent (70%), and one-quarter considers it good (26%). By way of comparison, less than half of all married American adults rate their marriage as excellent (46%), and one-third says it’s good (35%). So, by and large, pastors report greater marital satisfaction than the general population. They also divorce at lower rates: About 10 percent of Protestant pastors have ever been divorced, compared to one-quarter of all U.S. adults; 27%.

I certainly believe that God calls ministers from a diverse pool of candidates from all walks of life. Although marriage is not a qualification for ministry, the majority of ministers currently serving are married.

Marriage for ministers and faith leaders is not “a piece of cake.” Minister’s families are not exempt from miscommunication, financial worries, parenting issues, or serious health concerns.

Fawn Weaver insists, “Happily ever after is not a fairy tale. It’s a choice.” When it comes to marriage, it is important for all couples to make wise choices and to recover from not-so-wise choices.

To build a healthy marriage, a minister and spouse should take proactive steps to navigate the peculiar stressors of ministry with faith, discernment, and intentionality. As we have grown through 37 years of marriage, we have gained a few insights into what makes marriage work for us as a pastor and spouse:

• Embrace the uniqueness of the “ministry life.” Life for a minister’s family is not abnormal. It is just a different kind of normal. We try to live into the uniqueness rather than avoiding it or denying it.
• Avoid unrealistic expectations. You will likely encounter a few church members who have unrealistic or idealistic expectations for your work schedule, your preaching topics, and your family life. You will be a more effective minister and you will have a healthier family life if you live out of the wellspring of your gifts and convictions, and not the expectations of others.
• Set reasonable boundaries. There are two extremes: One is to set no boundaries and be available and accessible 24/7. The other is to set rigid boundaries that are not sustainable, such as “no evening meetings” or “no funerals on my off day.” Almost every boundary has exceptions in times of trauma or emergency.
• Schedule time for dates. There is a lot of demand on a pastor’s schedule. Calendaring can often be like doing triage. So, I schedule appointments with Amanda for lunch dates, dinner dates, sporting events, and other fun activities. Otherwise, my schedule becomes full and we miss spending quality time together.
• Avoid taking the stress and stories of work home. Often when I leave the office, I am still in ministry mode, making evening visits or phone calls, working on preparation for upcoming services, or processing the events of the day. And while I may occasionally need to share news about a death, illness, or event that will soon be made public, I generally avoid rehashing the specific details of ministry with my spouse
• Take your off days and your vacation. I am still working on this. Only a couple of times during our 37 years have I taken all the vacation time provided to me. However, the older I get, I find that it is more important to take time to rest, refocus, and rejuvenate, for my physical health, my spiritual health, and for the health of our marriage.
• Cultivate friendships outside your congregation. Although we have developed treasured friendships with members of the congregations we’ve served, we have been blessed to have friends outside the church with whom we have visited, dined, and traveled. With friends outside the church, we can enjoy a social outing without thinking about church matters.
• Use discretion in telling stories involving your marriage or family life. Our congregation loves stories, and they seem receptive to illustrative stories from our personal experiences, such as our adventures in tennis, golf, or travels. However, I try to only tell stories that highlight and illustrate how our lives intersect with faith, fun, and friendship, and I avoid sharing illustrations that are intimate or critical.
• Do ministry together occasionally. Amanda has her own passion for ministry and she invests her time and energy in serving, just like any other member of our congregation. However, we occasionally enjoy making hospital visits together, engaging in mission projects together, and even reading and discussing the same devotionals, books, or Bible passages.
• Take care of your health. During our wedding, we pledged to be faithful to each other in sickness and in health. Obviously, we prefer to be healthy. We do a pretty good job of keeping up with our doctor’s visits and we are proactive in caring for our health.
• Learn when to say yes and when to say no to invitations. We enjoy being socially active, but there is no way to say yes to every invitation. It is a biblical imperative to “let your yes be yes and your no be no” (Matthew 5:37).
• Keep growing… together.  I don’t think anyone, especially a minister and spouse, ever reaches a point where you can put your marriage on cruise control. A healthy marriage requires ongoing nurture. There is a big difference in growing old together and getting old together. We want to grow old together by continuing to grow spiritually, intellectually, and intimately.

A healthy marriage may not necessarily make ministry easier, but an unhealthy marriage certainly makes ministry more difficult. If you neglect your marriage in order to preserve your ministry, you are likely to lose both.

I love being married and I love serving as a pastor. And I hope to enjoy both in some way for an extended season. Amanda and I have shared a partnership in life and ministry for 37 years now.  And I look forward to many more.

As Robert Browning penned, “Grow old with me! The best is yet to be.”

(Barry Howard serves as the pastor of the Church at Wieuca in North Atlanta. He also serves as a columnist and leadership coach for the Center for Healthy Churches.)

A few days ago, as I was rerouted to rural backroads to avoid an accident on the interstate, I took advantage of the opportunity to look for locally owned restaurants and to observe church signs, a habit which is both frustrating and informative.

I noticed what appeared to be a new digital church sign framed in red brick highlighting a message that read, “Join us this Sunday for Old Time Worship and Revivalistic Preaching.” The name on the flashing high tech sign was Heritage Baptist Church.

I couldn’t help but grimace when I noticed another church next door with a traditional painted sign which identified the neighbor as New Vision Baptist Church.

Admittedly, I don’t know the history of the two churches. But my mind immediately went to a scenario I’ve seen unfold far too often. A church divides between those who hold fast to the ways things have always been and those who want to explore new methodologies. One group stays and the other group leaves.

Interestingly, in this case, if the two are connected, it seems that New Vision remained at the older campus and Heritage appeared to have built a new facility. Through the years I have spotted New Covenant Church just down the road from Covenant Church. I have seen Sovereign Grace Church a short distance from Grace Baptist Church. And I snapped a photo of Upper Spring Creek Church just upstream from Spring Creek Church

As I continued driving on this alternate route, I recalled a painting I saw years ago in restaurant in north Alabama that depicted a beautiful rural scene accented by two churches. New Hope #1 was on the left and New Hope #2 was on the right. A creek ran behind both churches implying converts from both churches were baptized in those common waters. And between the two churches was New Hope Cemetery, where members of both churches were buried.

In many cases, when New Hope splits into two churches, they offer no hope to their community for the long-term. They may survive, but they seldom thrive.

Throughout my years as a pastor, I have tried to nurture a church culture where heritage and new vision collaborate and cooperate in the same fellowship. When heritage and vision separate, both are left lacking.

Historian Daniel J. Boorstin contends, “Planning for the future without a sense of history is like planting cut flowers.”

What causes heritage and vision to separate? Usually, it is not one thing but a progression of influences and actions that converge to cause such a division. Here are seven factors that I have observed contributing to division in a church:

• Decisions are made based on personal preference rather than spiritual discernment.
  
  
• Conflict arises when members talk about one another rather than with one another.
  
  
• Goals and measurements are based on a dated denominational scorecard rather than missional metrics.

• A church views other churches in their community as their competitors rather than as their colleagues.

• A church adopts a reactionary scheme to reach the missing generation rather than a proactive strategy for multigenerational ministry.

• A church fails to see its heritage and vision as partners, causing the two to become unwitting adversaries.

• A church stubbornly determines that they can deal with their division and conflict without assistance from an experienced and objective consultant and coach.

In a healthy church, heritage and new vision engage in an ongoing dialogue. Otherwise conflict is likely to arise. Churches can recover from fractures and deep divisions. It just takes longer and is more painful and more costly than prevention or intervention.

Community-building is hard work. Consensus-building is hard work. Conflict management is hard work. But they are all types of kingdom work.

My scenic drive became a parabolic adventure.

Interestingly, as I neared the end of my backroads detour and was within a short distance of returning to the interstate, there was another church sign for Happy Valley Baptist Church at one of the final intersections.

I don’t know anything about the history or culture of that church, or whether they live up to their name. But I did note they were still one church.

(Barry Howard serves as the pastor at the Church at Wieuca in North Atlanta. He also serves as a leadership coach and columnist with the Center for Healthy Churches. He and his wife, Amanda, currently reside in Brookhaven, Georgia.)

Grief feels like different things to different people. For example, in A Grief Observed, C.S. Lewis confessed, “No one told me that grief feels so much like fear.”

I have walked alongside individuals and families who are dealing with grief for over 40 years. Here are 10 observations I have made about the traits of grief, the grieving process and grieving persons:

1. Grief is the emotion associated with loss.

Grief may occur over the loss of a friend, a relationship, our resources or our faculties. In my experience, the seven primary catalysts for grief are death, disease, diminishment, dementia, divorce, destruction and distance.

2. Grieving is the act of expressing and processing the emotion of grief.

You just can’t be passive about grief. A grievous loss may do more to disrupt and reconfigure life than any other experience. Grief forces us to rethink, reevaluate, revise, reallocate and reconfigure life. At times, grief even prompts us to relocate.

3. Not all grief is created equal.

Simple grief is what we expect because of the ordinary stages of life, such as the passing of an aging grandparent.

Compounded grief is the experience of two or more experiences of grief in a short period of time.

Traumatic grief refers to the unexpected grief we experience when confronted with a tragic loss such as an accident, flood or storm.

Complex or complicated grief references the type of grief we experience when there is an unresolved mystery associated with the loss, such a person who is lost at sea and assumed deceased, but we are not certain.

Communal or corporate grief is the sort of grief that affects a larger group of people who sense tremendous loss even though they may not be personally acquainted with the victim or victims. The assassination of JFK or the losses of 9/11 would fall into this category.

4. Faith does not exempt us from grief, but it does equip us to deal with grief with hope and perseverance.

Grief is extremely tough, even for those who have a strong faith. While grief can strengthen our faith, on other occasions grief may call faith into question or challenge one’s presuppositions about the faith.

A person of faith should be careful not to mask their grief with “rejoicing.” The hope of eternity is strengthening but it does not cancel the pain of grief.

5. Grief is not a momentary event but an ongoing experience.

Grief has no expiration date. For most people, grief ebbs and flows but never goes completely away.

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross cautioned, “The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again, but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.” 

6. The stages of grief do not occur in a predictable order, and not every stage is experienced by everyone.

Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance may be experienced sequentially, selectively, simultaneously, or rotationally with different stages surging at different times.

7. Not everyone in the family grieves the same way or at the same pace.

Different personalities grieve differently. Some people grieve while anticipating the loss. Others grieve more when the loss is actualized. Some grieve privately, while others grieve publicly.

Therefore, it is usually not helpful to compare another’s grief to our own. Neither is it helpful to critique the way a friend grieves.

8. Unprocessed grief can become toxic, endangering our physical and mental health.

Grief, especially traumatic grief, usually takes a heavy toll on the body and the spirit. If we deny or defer our grief, then the noxious effects can be debilitating to our heart, mind and soul.

9. Grieving persons need friends who are supportive and respectful.

Those who are grieving benefit from a small support group who gives them the place and space to grieve. Religious slogans, feeble explanations, and awkward questions are usually more hurtful than helpful.

10. Grief is best processed slowly over time.

Healthy expressions of grief include tears, stories, laughter, prayer, gratitude, lamentation and celebration.

Grieving, mourning and lamenting are deeply spiritual disciplines. Maybe that’s the reason numerous psalms and the book of Lamentations are devoted to grief and lament.

The Bible never suggests that we should not grieve. It does, however, encourage us “not to grieve as those who have no hope” (1 Thessalonians 4:13).

Grief is a normal part of life. Everyone will grieve at some point. Grief is seldom a momentary event. Rather, it is almost always an ongoing experience.

As C.S. Lewis processed his own grief following the death of his wife, he observed, “Grief is like a long valley, a winding valley where any bend may reveal a totally new landscape.”

Be sure not to travel this valley alone!

(Barry Howard serves as the pastor of the Church at Wieuca in North Atlanta. He also serves as a leadership coach and columnist with the Center for Healthy Churches. He and his wife, Amanda, currently reside in Brookhaven, Georgia.)

As a minister, I mostly deal with grief among parishioners as a process that follows the death of a friend or loved one. When a friend or loved one dies, a bereavement process begins, a journey that allows those left behind to proceed through a variety of stages of grief.

Many years ago, Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross identified the five stages of grief:  Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.  When I took a course on Death and Dying at the university, I was taught that different individuals pass through the stages at different speeds and perhaps even in different orders.

But I was also taught that grief is not limited to the experience of loss through death. Grief could occur over the loss of a job, the loss of income, the loss of one’s freedom, or the loss of one’s faculties.

Since my first visit to the funeral home at the age of six I have been aware of the kind of grief that accompanies death. Only in recent years have I come to understand the grief one can experience for those who are still alive. As I have dealt with those experiencing diminishment and dementia, I have gained a new appreciation for how we grieve for the living.

First, in 2004, my father was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer. Although he responded well to the initial treatments, a heart condition caused the suspension of therapy, and during the ensuing months I grieved for his loss of weight, his loss of independence, his loss of mobility, his loss of modesty, and ultimately his loss of breath. By the time he died, he was barely recognizable to his friends, and I seemed to have made multiple stops at every one of the five stages. I grieved more during his deterioration from cancer than I did after his death.

The second saga began almost one year after my father’s funeral when my wife’s mother was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. For my wife and me, the same grief cycle began all over again. Although there were many good days and fun visits with my mother-in-law who demonstrated extraordinary hope and perseverance, we grieved over her loss of hair, her loss of dexterity and balance due to neuropathy, her loss of ability to hold her grandchildren, her loss of appetite, her loss of youthfulness, her loss of vitality, and her loss of ability to serve in her many volunteer positions. When she died three years after her diagnosis, we believe death came as a blessing, an act of deliverance from the terrorism this disease can inflict upon a body.

Finally, just before the death of my mother-in-law, my grandmother was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. And our family began to experience grief over a different kind of loss. This severe expression of dementia manifests itself in a variety of ways. Although many of the symptoms seem to come and go, and some days are better than others, during her journey we grieved her loss of memory, the loss of her familiar personality, the loss of her awareness of her surroundings, the loss of her freedom, the loss of her driving, the loss of her home, and because she had been relocated to a care facility, the loss of her church, the loss of her community, and the loss of her network of friends.

We believed that when she passed in 2011, she experienced the ultimate healing. We miss her, but her passing was a welcomed relief for her, and under no circumstances would we wish her to have lingered and sunk deeper into the chaos and confusion of dementia.

Now we are telling stories about our aunt, one of my father’s two remaining siblings, who is near the end of her life on earth. She has been in a care facility for almost 10 years and has experienced memory loss to the point that she hasn’t recognized many of her family members for quite some time. Thankfully, she has continued to have a kind personality and positive attitude despite her loss of memory.

On the occasions I have had the opportunity to visit her, I have both treasured her positive influence in our family across the years, and I have grieved that she can no longer remember many of those treasured experiences and relationships. When she closes her eyes for the final time here, I will continue to grieve, even though I am aware that a peaceful homegoing will be an answer to her prayers.

I am still thinking about how grieving for the living differs from grieving for the deceased. As a pastor I am more aware now of how many in my community are grieving a loss related to those who are still here…the grandmother who is grieving over the grandson who is in prison, the father-in-law who is grieving over the loss of his daughter-in-law because of a divorce, the former manager who is grieving over the loss of his colleagues after his job was terminated, the school teacher who is grieving over the loss of contact with students following her retirement, and the family who is grieving the gradual dementia in their mom or dad.

In reflecting on my own experience, I would contend that grieving for the living can be more complex, more long-term, and more exhausting in many circumstances than the grief associated with a death. 

To those grieving someone who is still here, let me pass along a few suggestions that friends and counselors offered to me:

• Try to practice good self-care.
• Find ways to stay connected to your faith community.
• Strive to maintain a good regimen of exercise, rest, and healthy nutrition.
• Maximize your time with your loved one.
• Maintain at least one hobby, project, or activity that is replenishing for you.
• Allow and encourage friends and family members to grieve at their own pace in their own space as the journey unfolds.
• Ask God to renew and replenish your strength.

Grief lasts for a season and each season is unique in context, scope, and duration. And sometimes grief doesn’t involve a funeral home. Grief doesn’t always emanate from a sudden loss or a final loss. It may involve the gradual loss of someone who is still here.

(Barry Howard currently serves as the pastor of the Church at Wieuca in North Atlanta. He also serves as a leadership coach and columnist for the Center for Healthy Churches. He and his wife, Amanda, live in Brookhaven, Georgia.)

Whenever I travel, I enjoy exploring the history and folklore of the towns and villages I am privileged to visit.  While St. Andrews is primarily known for its golf courses and its world class university, St. Andrews is also rich in legend and story. 

I was fortunate to make my third visit to St. Andrews in 2018. Here is a summary of the notes I collected from travel brochures and pamphlets while visiting this historic area in Scotland:

·      The town of St Andrews was originally the town of Kilrimont. In 736 AD, a monk
named St Rule brought relics (bones) of St Andrew (Brother of St Peter, the
first Pope) from Greece to a monastery in Kilrimont . By 1000 the town had
become headquarters of the Scottish church and was called St Andrews. It became a pilgrimage for most of Britain and becomes a wealthy city. The cathedral was founded in 1160. The cardinal of the UK lived in St Andrews.

·      Golf was first played there in about the fourteenth century. St Andrews University
founded in 1413. James II bans golf in 1457 for a period of time because it
interfered with practicing archery.

·      Martin Luther’s complaints against Rome were posted in 1517. Protestant martyrs were burned in St Andrews in1528, 1533, 1546, 1558. An obelisk above the Old Course is called the Martyrs Monument and it has their names inscribed. In 1560 parliament ends Catholicism as the church of Scotland. Mary Queen of Scots was the first woman known to play golf—1568.

·      James Wilson was a Scot who moved to South Carolina and was a signer of our
Declaration of Independence. He was educated at St Andrews Univ. He and other
Scots had shipped clubs and balls from St Andrews to Charleston, SC in 143.

·      In the early days of golf, it took required a day’s work to make one feathery ball.
They cost one-half Crown (a gold piece), so only the wealthy could afford to
play golf. Golf professionals also caddied and made clubs and balls.

·      The Scottish Flag is a sideways cross signifying the way that St Andrew was
crucified in Greece—with arms and legs spread. The flag is called the Saltire.

·      The Royal and Ancient Golf Club was formed in 1754 by 22 gentlemen as the Society of St. Andrews Golfers. In 1834 King William IV gave the club its R&A title and the club began to make the Rules of the game for the world. When the USGA was formed in 1894, they first followed the R&A and then soon began interpreting the Rules themselves. All the world except the USA and Mexico follows the R&A’s rules decisions.

·      In the 1840’s, the town was nearly bankrupt. The land for the golf courses was
used to raise rabbits for a number of years.

·      The first 12 British Opens (called The Open) were held at Prestwick starting in
1860.

·      Old Tom Morris was Prestwick’s keeper of the greens until he replaced Alan
Robertson at St Andrews. The first Open at St Andrews was in 1873 and was the
first year of the “claret jug” trophy.

·      The townspeople bleached their linen on the course in the early days. Early Rules
mentioned linen that interfered with play.

·      The golf course originally was played as eleven holes out, and the same eleven
holes were played back in—22 holes played for a round. In 1764, the course
became 9 holes out and the same 9 holes in. In 1832, the course became 18
separate holes.

·      Holes 1, 9, 17 and 18 have greens that aren’t shared by any other hole. Old Tom
changed the first hole by widening it and he moved the 18th green to opposite
his golf shop, making it 60 yards longer. The new green was built over an old
graveyard. All the holes for the shared greens add up to 18 (2 and 16, 3 and
15, 4 and 14, etc.)

·      Old Tom Morris was born in St Andrews 16 June 1821. He died in St Andrews on May 24,1908, just three weeks shy of his 87th birthday. He had won the British Open four times (1860’s). He designed many great golf courses in Scotland. He followed Allan Robertson as keeper of the greens and head professional at St. Andrews. He had worked for Allan in the early days making clubs and balls. Tom built a thriving club and ball business in St Andrews when he returned from
Prestwick in 1865. His shop still stands in the same place today.

·      A remarkable story is how Old Tom Morris died. He had been sitting at the window
of his golf club (The New Club) having a pint of beer or two on a Sunday (No
golf on the Old Course on Sundays, even to this day). He had to go to the
bathroom which was a down staircase in the back of the club house. He got
disoriented and fell into the coal bin—an eight-foot fall. He died shortly
afterwards.

·      His son, Young Tom had the record score of 77 on the Old Course from 1869 to 1887 when his brother Jamie equaled it. Hugh Kirkaldy shot 74 in 1888. There have been 62’s in modern times.

·      An amazing fact is that golf on the Old Course was free for all comers until 1913.
Locals played for free until 1946. Today, locals pay a fee of about $200 for
the entire year. Guests pay about $218. per round. Guests account for 40% of
play.

·      Bunkers originated in St Andrews. According to the stories, bunkers on the Old Course at St. Andrews occurred naturally and Tom Morris decided to leave them there when designing some of the holes. If you are wondering how they came about, the answer is sheep!

·      In the early days, the course also doubled up as a place for grazing sheep.
Unfortunately. the sheep didn’t like the strong winds that the Old Course is
famous for. In order to protect themselves, they joined forces and burrowed
into the ground, creating holes to hide in until the wind died down. These
holes ended up being many of the pot bunkers you see on television when
watching golf at the Old Course. Sure they’re a pain to play out of but they
certainly make the game a whole lot more interesting!

·      The world’s first female golfer played at St Andrews. Mary Queen of Scots was a
member of the local golf club and many regard her as being the world’s first
female golfer. She started playing golf at St Andrews soon after her husband
Darnley was murdered.

·      Legendary golfer, Tiger Woods will only stay in room 269 at The Old Course Hotel when he stays in St Andrews. The reason being that 269 was the number of strokes it took him to win his first Open Championship in St Andrews back in 2000.

·      A lot of golf is played in St Andrews. More than 230,000 rounds of golf are
played on the seven courses in St Andrews each year. 45,000 of these are played on the Old Course alone. The Old Course has also played host to the Open Championship more than any other venue. The 150^th Open Championship is the 29^th time St. Andrews has hosted the Open.

(These notes were collected from travel brochures and local pamphlets. I have not verified the information through my own research.)